The Canadian Lubest
I probably should have known better with this one but I was attracted to his arrogance and confidence and after having dated a spineless coward for quite some time, these are qualities a girl gets drawn to.
It took three dates to discover the following facts about him
- He was Canadian.
- He highlighted his hair and went to the hairdresser once a month.
- He didn’t have any hair on his body – only on his head and eyebrows. He waxed his legs, underarms, back, sack and crack. The guy was like a polished pebble.
- He went to the gym 5 times a week for over an hour and always finished his gym session with a sauna making his skin actually smoother than mine. The guy was ripped though, I’ll give him that much.
- He filed his nails…I’ll go into that later.
I didn’t find out about the above until the night I invited him to my apartment for dinner. The dinner was with my flatmate and her boyfriend and he knew that.
He arrived at my flat with a rucksack which he deposited in my room. I guess an invite for dinner with flatmates also means a sleep over for some?
The dinner ended quickly and we went into my bedroom. That’s when I started to discover the above listed facts. At this point it was already a little too late to turn back as we were playing cards in our underwear. To be honest, I am just grateful I had stocked up on wine because the more he spoke about himself, the more I had to drink to prepare me for the sex or rather, to get through the sex.
It started by him jumping off the bed in his overly tight boxers like a jumping jack flash and saying
“No time to be shy now baby”
Followed by him pulling down his boxers and flopping out his cock.
He started getting into it and then stopped, got up, went over to his rucksack and pulled out the biggest pump action bottle I’d ever seen. It was LUBE. He pumped it into the palms of his hands and rubbed his hands together before basting me up like some sort of Christmas turkey. Anyone would have thought I’d crapped my nappy and he was giving me a change. It was ridiculous. At this stage there really was no turning back and I was just praying it’d be over really quick so I could pretend to be asleep and wake up the next day with the mission: Evacuate the dude and his lube.
Ever seen American Pshyco? Patrick Batemen? The sex scene in the room with all the mirrors? Yep. It was pretty much that sort of experience except he didn’t have any intention on killing me. Thank God.
He tried for a round two but I faked being asleep to a point I could have been dead.
The next morning I woke up and suggested we go for coffee….at 8am on a Sunday morning! We left my flat and I noticed he hadn’t brought his rucksack with him which obviously meant he would be returning to my flat. I was worried he would expect an all day marathon with his huge bottle of lube so I had to think of an effective polite way to get rid of him. I basically called my friend when I was in a different room of my flat and explained the situation asking him to call me back in 5 minutes pretending he was coming over or something. Anyway, my fucking phone happens to lose signal at the crucial point my friend tries to call me so all I get is a missed call alert on my phone. It was awful. It was at this point I discovered this dude filed his nails. He initially asked me if I filed mine and I said “No, why? Do you file yours?” I probably shouldn’t have asked really because that’s when he replied with:
“Yeh, of course I do. Imagine if I didn’t? Things could get pretty messy down there”
Eurgh.
