I had been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks and this particular evening we went on a date which led to me inviting him back to my apartment.

We were hanging out in my bedroom. The music was on. We were drinking. We were laughing. The scent of some serious sex action was in the air.

We began kissing and stripping our clothes off. It was totally intense and frankly, I was gagging for it. BUT one little problem, no condoms!! Serious -  horrible - disaster. At this point we are both way too horny to let this moment pass so he suggested I ask my flatmate if she had any condoms.

So I went and knocked next door.

“Oh my God I have a dude in my bedroom with a hard on bigger than a 30 pound candle but no condoms!! Help?”

She laughed and pulled out a little basket from under her bed. Inside she had an array of condoms so I took two. (I need to get myself organised like that!!)

I literally RAN back into my bedroom and threw them at him.

“No time to waste!! Let’s get cracking! Slap that puppy on yer cock!”

So he unwraps one and we’re both totally like dogs with our tongues hanging out desperate to get it on so we can continue when suddenly, we encounter a problem.

These condoms were fucking awful!!! They were as thick as an extra strong plastic shopping bag and they were bloody luminous green. OK, so my housemate is foreign so I thought they must be all the rage over in her home country but there wasn’t any raging going on with this condom.

It didn’t even STRETCH.

The poor guy is freaked by this mammoth thick condom and frantically trying to get it on, he lost his hard on. It was AWFUL. So we laughed about it because I mean, it was ridiculous and we were both just gagging to do the business! We got back into sexiness and then up came his cock and out reached my hand for the johnny.  However, once again, another thicker than you could ever imagine luminous non stretch condom!! Total failure.

That could have been the hottest sex of my life.

Instead it was two chunks of rubber on the floor, one guy with blue balls and a girl about to flick her bean in the bathroom. NIGHTMARE!

Cougarized