So I’ve been told by a member of the male species that there are three levels of cock hardness….

There’s the floppy unsightly droopy hardness which really shouldn’t be called a hardness as it resembles more a melted cheese. I’d say the smell is similar too especially after a day of sweating around the bollocks. What good is the floppy cock anyway? Shouldn’t it be made illegal? Cocks are ugly fuckers at the best of times, the last thing any women needs to catch a glimpse of is a pair of grotty hairy balls and a floppy cock drooping in the middle….you know, with the foreskin all wrinkly and sagging over the bell like some deflated Santa’s elf hat….Christ. Bile just reached my throat at the thought.

Then there’s the semi hardness…once again, someone please explain the point of this? It’s neither here nor there…bit like the French during just about every war they’ve dabbled in. What ya gonna do with a semi? You can’t ride it? It looks wrong and yet again, Santa’s elf hat ain’t really a good look huh? I guess the semi is most common first thing in the morning. The famous male subconscious forcing a semi on whilst sleep is underway in order for ‘him’ not to piss himself in the night. Imagine that? Your man has a disfunctional bell end? You’ll be swimming in piss from one day to the next. Of course it’s too hard just to, like us girls, wake up in the night and take a slash right? The word lazy comes to mind but then again, that adjective marries well with men of our day and age.

And now for the only acceptable status of male cock : the HARD ON. This is something you can actually work with unless of course, you’re dealing with a chicken nugget or just someone that was born with a bell end attached to a pair of shrivelled balls. I’ve been there girls. It scarred me for life. Sadly the hard on doesn’t often last long unless of course you’ve got him dosed up on viagra which isn’t such a bad thing really. My ex boyfriend could have done with a life time supply of viagra if I’m honest….his cock was far too prone to cruising in floppy cock mode. I gotta admit, at times when I see the cock in hard on mode, I’m compelled to beat it with a wooden baking spoon. Why you may ask? ‘Cos I want to see just how hard it is and how resistant.

Finally for the strange bit…. I was not so long ago sleeping with a guy who used to hold the base of his cock when inserting it into, well, you know where. At first I thought nothing of it but when he constantly did that, I had to ask him what the fuck he was up to. He replied:

“Well, you know, sometimes its at different levels of hardness”

“What are you saying? Your cock is too floppy it needs holding up?”

“Well, no but yeh but no but well, everyone’s different aren’t that?”

“Everyone IS different but a cock is a cock and its either hard or it ain’t…don’t be trying to prop it up whilst in the middle of the action!”

The bastard was trying to jab me with his floppy cock!!!!!!

Terror I tell you…..TERROR!

Cougarized.