I’ll tell you right now why us dappy mere women are more attracted to bastards than good guys…. It’s because if a guy is nice, he’s needy and if he’s needy its not nice…its off putting…sex drive killing even. No one really lusts over a needy NICE guy, right? Nice guys are either gay or ugly or plain and simply boring WHEN comparing them to the bastard stereotype of a male.

I mean, lets face it, the bastard has allure…intrigue….makes us want to ‘talk about it’….’analyze it’…you know ‘eat ice cream and cry over it’ whilst wearing and over sized ‘I’ve just been dumped’ jumper sobbing to our bezzie mate racking up mental high phone bills.

So where’s the middle ground? I mean, you can’t have a nice guy who is a bastard? It’s a paradox. But then bastards aren’t nice…or are they?

Everyone is capable of being nice even bastard males its just how to work around the initial bastard trait and manipulate the bastard into thinking he’s winning/getting his way when actually he isn’t.

There comes a point when even a bastard gets hooked on a girl - be sure about that and then you get the nice guy but with the allure of the bastard.

Cougarized.

One word: RUN!

Why do people stay in relationships when the sex is unbearably crap? I just don’t get it. I dated a guy for all of three months. On paper he was perfect. Good job, hot, attentive…he would turn up at the train station with roses which he trawled the city to buy on a Sunday when most shops/florists were closed! But in bed he was total utter shite. Honestly, after the second month when the bed room antics weren’t looking up, it got to a stage where I would have rather poked needles in my eye. Actually, if I am honest, I was thinking of doing online grocery shops while he was penetrating me like some rusty motor. That’s no way to be!

You’ve got to look at these things realistically. It’s not good getting all sentimental and umming and butting because on paper and towards you he is perfect in every other area. Looking good on paper is not going to give you head! Girls, that’s just lame.

What do women want? We want a hot fuck as much as men do!!! Yeh, we also want a man who is tame enough to keep his cock in his pants and not gift us with an STD but at the same time, Lord, he needs to give it to us and give it to us good.

Let me tell you how it is…. If you are dating a dude who is under 20 and the sex is so-so, give him a chance. Go easy on him. He hasn’t had the years of porn lessons that most men over 20 have under their belts but any dude over 20 who literally can’t keep it up longer than five minutes and is ‘comfortable’ with a little hair pulling and missionary, bin that fucker before you get attached because the reality is, you can’t teach an old dog tricks. Dogs learn tricks at the stage of PUPPY and not after.

If the sex is shite then you know that he wasn’t trained right and he ain’t never gonna get better. NEVER.

Girls, crap sex….get the hell out of there….don’t even look back!! And certainly don’t shag that fucker out of pity for his crap techniques.

No one gets rewarded for coming LAST!

Cougarized

So there is a guy I have known for YEARS and we are, let’s say,’friends’ now.

Anyway, he started dating a girl and to be honest I wish he hadn’t because I am the one who has to listen to all his fucking dramas on the phone. Honestly, I’ve told him to man up and get some balls when this girl messes him about but he still persists to ‘try’ and work it out with her. She is a model and other than that she has absolutely nothing going for her other than a pair of legs she struggles to keep crossed but men are visual creatures and love the whole trophy girlfriend bull shit so his bad….

This one night he phoned me up for advice regarding his relationship and frankly, I was more than BORED of listening to his repetitive dribble. I have told him many times to get shot of this tramp but he still goes back. This night I lost my patience, told him I didn’t have time for his boring shit and hung up the phone on him. If I am honest with you, I was harsher than that towards him - sometimes, for your own sanity, you need to be cruel to be kind with these bell ends.

Seconds later he calls my phone and I let it ring out. NOT INTERESTED! He calls my phone around ten times. I had to turn it on silent. I didn’t answer…. Anyone would think he was in a frigging relationship with me the way he carries on!!

It was late so I got ready for bed and was about to fall asleep. Drifting off and I hear the buzzer on my door phone ringing. I ignored it because it was way past mid night and who would be ringing my buzzer at that time? It continues to ring and ring so I got up and answered.

It was him!! He was on the end of the door phone asking to be let in. The fucking mentalist couldn’t handle being ignored and had gotten on his bike (literally) and cycled over to my apartment to speak to me in person.

I asked him down the door phone “Erm, what the fuck are you doing?” to which he replied “I won’t allow you to snub me. Please let me in, I cycled all the way here…is there a place to lock up my bike so I can come in?”

It was like a scene in a really cheesey fucking film!

You see? Men are mental more so than women because I tell you something for nothing, there ain’t no fucking way I’ll ever get on a bike or any other form of transport in the middle of the freezing cold night in order to speak face to face with a guy who hung up the phone on me!! NO WAY! Not even if humanity depended on it.

Anyway, I let him in and we had a cup of tea. He basically told me he had cycled over to make sure we were still ‘friends’ despite me hanging up on him earlier.

I felt a bit put out if I am honest….I was in my pijama’s and literally anchoring for him to piss off back home so I could get some sleep.

What would his girlfriend have thought? Tramp.

Men…the mind boggles. But the more you ignore them or treat them with disdain, the harder they try to seek your approval. Sad really…

Cougarized

Years ago I met a guy in a bar. We exchanged social platform contact details and IM adds. He was hot but clearly just looking to push some pussy that night and nothing more. At the time we exchanged contact details, I made it clear, the last thing he’d be pushing was me. That night he ended up fucking a friend of mine. She never saw or heard from him after. I never told her he had tried it on with me.

We never stayed in touch. In fact, I thought he was a massive dick head. Cracking onto me then ending up screwing my friend? But then around 6 months later, during the summer, I had broken up with someone and needed to fulfil some needs. Knowing this guy would be easy and my friendship with the girl he screwed had pretty much fizzled out, I IM-ed him and we began to chat. I was surprised when he started suggesting we saw some art house films and maybe went to some galleries together etc. At the time, I thought he was just trying to sugar coat the potential hook up I was fishing for so I played along with it. After all, months ago my friend had given me details so I knew already what I was buying into….

We arranged a drink in the city. He bought me a beer and we began to chat. Initially, I thought it was polite mandatory chat as he seemed to ask me lots of ‘get to know you’ questions…you know, he was working pretty hard to get in my pants which I found strange because I thought I’d made it clear I didn’t care for airy fairy dating bull shit, I just wanted sex. I was getting bored. I didn’t want to get to know him, in fact, I wasn’ interested in HIM as a person at all. I cut to the chase and suggested we ditch our beers and head to his.

When we got back to his, I thought it’d be a case of up against the wall, pants down, pump etc but he began to do weird shit like show me his oven and where he writes his articles (he was/is a music journalist), the magazines he’s written for… I was confused. Was he being innocent? Dumb? Trying to make out this was something it wasn’t? All the signals I was giving him were “I’m not interested in you as a person, I just want your body tonight” but he was coming back at me with excerpts of his life. It got overwhelming when he started showing me photos… At that stage I said to him plain and simple

“Hey, you don’t have to do all this, shall we just go to the bedroom?”

So off we went. We did the business and we went to sleep. I have to admit, I had my mind on other things like how I was going to get to work the next day bearing in mind, I was working well out of town. At around 5am I woke up, looked over at him sleeping and thought “God, I need to get the hell out of here”. I grabbed my clothes and shoes, got dressed and tip toed out the door.

Thinking back, I remember laughing all the way to the train station. It was the first time I’d done something remotely like that. I found the whole hook up hilarious. I didn’t contact him after and he didn’t contact me. I was more than happy with that.

About two weeks later, I signed into my IM chat and he instantly started a conversation with me. It went a bit like this:

“What happened to you? You left… not even a good bye? What happened to going to galleries and seeing films together?”

I was BEYOND shocked. Was he for real? As IF I would even consider taking him seriously! So I replied…

“Erm, sorry, I didn’t say good bye because it was 5am when I left and you were asleep and if I am honest with you, it was just sex for me.”

“But you could have woken me up? I woke up and you were gone. You made me feel like shit, like I did something wrong.”

What!???!!!! Like when he felt bad for NOT contacting my friend after he shagged her? What DOUBLE STANDARDS! At this stage I told him I had work to do and closed down the IM. It was mental. I was literally gob smacked.

This got me thinking, it’s ok for men to shag around having one nighters and then not contacting the girl after YET when a women proceeds to do the same, it’s not on? I’m not being funny, but if he chooses to be such an easy lay then what does he expect? Also, what planet was he on? As IF I would want to have a relationship with someone who is literally THAT easy and on top of that, someone who has shagged my friend? Fair enough, I would have never gone there had my friendship with her lasted BUT at the same time, that’s not cool. Jesus, the day after my friend had shagged him, we all met up for coffee and discussed his dick and performance in bed in great detail! There’s NO WAY I’d seriously date a dude whose dick I’d dicussed over a capuccino with 5 of my friends. Fool.

This guy, YEARS later, still IMs me when I’m online. In fact, the last conversation I had with him was a few weeks ago. He was trying to get me to fly over to Spain for a dirty weekend. Utter madness.

According to men, women are mental. I beg to differ.

Cougarized

Girls, please note or rather, please be warned…IF you choose to date someone in a creative industry, be aware that his arse will be harbouring a fucking massive growth which you will recognise to be his ‘Ego’. If they aren’t expanding their egos out of every other orifice of their body, they’re probably wanking themselves off alone in a mirrored room.

Self adoration + sex = Man’s life long wet dream.

I’ve recently been dating a guy who claimed to be (his precise words) ‘Sensitive, caring and sweet’. What he was in actual fact was an egotistical arsehole with a mouth constantly spouting shit.

Firstly, every date I went on with this guy would be about him. What he did during the week, what he created, how it looked, how long it took him to master it, how much of an amazing piece it was, how hard done by he was because no one could see the greatness in the work… Oh please give me a fucking break. An educationally challenged delinquent could do better with their eyes closed.

He translated time in ‘windows’ and ‘pencils’. “I’ve got a window at mid day”… “Shall we pencil in Thursday?” And tracking him down would be like following a heat seeking missile what with his “I don’t know my movements tomorrow”. Well ok baby, when you have a ‘window’ to ‘pencil’ in a shit can you please let me know your ‘movements’…that’s providing you don’t shit your ego down the bog and spend your next free ‘window’ chasing it in order to lodge it back in your fucking great big arse crack. You’d better hope by that time, I haven’t grabbed your ‘pencil’ and rammed it good and proper down your Jap’s eye.

Anyone would have thought they were dating the fucking president slash James Bond on a mission to buggery.

When it finally came to the end, I’d left something at his flat which I needed returned. However, the last thing I wanted to do was work around his windows and pencils and end up having to see his more than pathetic egotistical arse. SO I asked he drop my belongings across the road from his flat at the premises of my friend’s shop. This way I didn’t have to see him and listen to his bull shit and I could go and pick them up when convenient for me. THREE days he had to do the drop. Across the road he had to walk. Did he do it? No. His oversized ego had most definitely been dented and therefore, in order to feel back in control and powerful, he decided to be an even bigger cock than he inherently was and have me chase him for it. Games, I just have no time for them. There was texting back and forth for a day and then it came to light he had expected I turn up at his flat and collect it directly from him. He obviously knew I didn’t have the time or desire to see him – self obsessed he was, stupid he wasn’t - but his ego had been damaged and he chose to be a difficult little prick to spite me.

Two days later, he dropped it off. It probably took him those extra 48 hours to find a band aid large enough to strap his ego back to his arse in order for him to navigate his fat crack across the road and hand my possessions over.

The male ego, it is fragile and pathetic but most of all, it is transparent.

Be advised, men in creative industries are by far the pioneers of the world’s largest most twisted egos.

Cougarized.

MANY moons ago I was taking an elevator at a train station and sharing the elevator was this guy who at the time, I confused for a guy I knew back from college days. That’s actually how we got talking. I said “Oh my God, it’s bla bla” and he replied? “Sorry no my name is…” He was HOT. Literally the most amazing piercing blue eyes I have ever seen.  Anyway, within a 2 minute elevator ride I had discovered he lived in a neighbouring town, was a little younger than me, from another country and illegally living and working here. I didn’t care. I asked for his number and we both went on opposite platforms of the train station to catch our trains. Thinking back, it was bizarre. We were smiling and waving at each other across the platform until we got the train. Then on the train, we both waved from the window until it departed. We’d literally only known each other 5 minutes! Within a minute of train departure, he’d texted me and set a date. It was exciting.

If I want to be 100% honest, I was actually taking a train to meet another guy who I had just started dating. Isn’t that always the way?? If it doesn’t rain, it pours…anyway, it was in super early stages of dating the other guy so I didn’t feel bad about keeping my options open. Trust me, men NEVER feel bad about keeping their options open so why should women?

So there was only ever one date and it went a bit like this…. He turned up early and had already bought a drink. I arrived and went into mind melt because he was literally so fucking hot. Back to his eyes, they could have been featured in an issue of National Geographic. So blue…literally I was mesmerized. I can’t date guys unless they have blue eyes, they just aren’t valid to me. Plus, he was a manual labourer and therefore ripped. Every time he lifted his pint, I got distracted by the muscle tension in his arms. I was salivating like some sort of rabid dog!

The novelty soon wore off when we delved into ‘conversation’. He seemed really shy which I am not so I felt somewhat empowered. With shy guys, you can always be super direct and ask them amusing questions which make them squirm. Anyway, we had some general chit chat and I realised pretty quickly that there would be no longevity in dating an illegal immigrant but for some casual fun, why not?

Then he came out with the weirdest thing any man has ever said to me – that isn’t vulgar that is.

“I need to tell you something” to which I replied “Erm, yes, go ahead”. “I am honest boy and I need to tell you I am father.” I sort of stood there and thought, what the fuck? He’s a bit young to be a father and where the hell is this kid? And why is he on a date with me if he has a frigging child somewhere? So I said : “You mean, you have a child here? Does that mean you have a wife or partner as well?”. Well you know, I had to ask that, kids just don’t drop out of the sky and I didn’t want to be some hussy homewrecker! Then he said: “Well, I have ex girlfriend and she is mother of child.” I was getting anxious….so where the fuck was this child?!!?!?!?! 

Then he said possibly the most innocent sweetest yet disturbing thing a man has ever said to me;

“We had child together but I came here to work to make money and she killed child.”

At this point, I wanted to run…what the fuck was this? Finally when I had gotten past the language barrier he was trying to explain that he and his girlfriend had gotten pregnant but she had had an abortion without him knowing. It was HEAVY. He seemed really cut up about it – obviously. He wasn’t a douche and wanted this kid….  He finished the conversation by adding that he just needed to be honest with me because he felt something inside.

I didn’t see him again. Being an illegal alien and coming out of a relationship with a girl who aborted his child without him knowing just seemed way too much for me.

This guy made me have some faith in the male race.

Cougarized

So I was recently dating this guy who literally behaves like an emotional yo-yo despite actually being older than me. Nothing annoys me more than men who talk crap and don’t know what they want. I mean, when you go to a restaurant and you are ordering from the menu, you know how you want your meat cooked or if you want peas or mushrooms or not. You don’t sit there boring the waitress to death whilst you debate in your mind whether you want a few fucking peas on your plate or not! THAT is how simple this thing is in my mind.

Anyway, we were having a drink and he was dribbling on and ON about this and that all relating to how he was feeling about me and I have to admit, he was boring me to tears so I just came out with it:

“Look, what do you want from me right now? Do you want to fuck me every now and then or do you want to take me/this thing seriously and see where it goes? Because really, I don’t need the background, just give me the facts. I won’t mind!”

I thought he would appreciate me cutting in on his ‘I’m trying to explain how I feel and I’m vocalising an essay to this girl’ speech but the guy just seemed stunned and for about 30 seconds just looked blankly at me. I thought he had turned into a wax sculpture or something…

He then said: “There’s just no grey area with you is there?”

This got me thinking….Is there a grey area? Frankly, with me: no. Are we talking about wants and needs here or old school uniforms and clouds? I mean, bloody hell. What is a grey area? Surely when you reach 30+ you either know what you want or not? The grey area just creates unnecessary confusion!

Men are always complaining about girls who want to talk about emotions and their feelings and what they want and don’t want in great detail. Just about every guy I know HATES when his chick drops that shit on him. Well, frankly, I don’t have time for that type of crap anymore. If I wanted to talk about emotions, I’d see a shrink.  Why over complicate what could be a very simple situation or even set up?

 My philosophy is simple: Just get to the point and do as you say or jog on to someone who doesn’t mind you wasting their time.

Relationships would be far easier if people just eliminated this ‘grey area’ and thought with their head and not their heart which, I’d like to add, is just an organ that pumps blood around the body. In no way shape or form does it evoke emotions. Actually it’s a pretty fucking ugly organ too.

Hallmark are obviously deluded.

Cougarized