One word: RUN!

Why do people stay in relationships when the sex is unbearably crap? I just don’t get it. I dated a guy for all of three months. On paper he was perfect. Good job, hot, attentive…he would turn up at the train station with roses which he trawled the city to buy on a Sunday when most shops/florists were closed! But in bed he was total utter shite. Honestly, after the second month when the bed room antics weren’t looking up, it got to a stage where I would have rather poked needles in my eye. Actually, if I am honest, I was thinking of doing online grocery shops while he was penetrating me like some rusty motor. That’s no way to be!

You’ve got to look at these things realistically. It’s not good getting all sentimental and umming and butting because on paper and towards you he is perfect in every other area. Looking good on paper is not going to give you head! Girls, that’s just lame.

What do women want? We want a hot fuck as much as men do!!! Yeh, we also want a man who is tame enough to keep his cock in his pants and not gift us with an STD but at the same time, Lord, he needs to give it to us and give it to us good.

Let me tell you how it is…. If you are dating a dude who is under 20 and the sex is so-so, give him a chance. Go easy on him. He hasn’t had the years of porn lessons that most men over 20 have under their belts but any dude over 20 who literally can’t keep it up longer than five minutes and is ‘comfortable’ with a little hair pulling and missionary, bin that fucker before you get attached because the reality is, you can’t teach an old dog tricks. Dogs learn tricks at the stage of PUPPY and not after.

If the sex is shite then you know that he wasn’t trained right and he ain’t never gonna get better. NEVER.

Girls, crap sex….get the hell out of there….don’t even look back!! And certainly don’t shag that fucker out of pity for his crap techniques.

No one gets rewarded for coming LAST!

Cougarized

It recently occurred to me when walking home one evening how the men in my sexual past have all had different relationships with their cum so I thought I would share them here.

• One guy who was, I don’t know if this is relevant or not, 16 years older than me loved his cum. So much so when he used to wank himself off, he would take great delight in doing so in the cup of his hand. He confessed to me that he enjoyed to raise his full of cum cupped hands to his nose and have a jolly good sniff.  As I was a young innocent at the time, I thought this was normal. Later on in life I learned that this is far from normal. In fact, it is pretty fucked up.
• Then there was the guy who liked to taste his cum on the day of sex because he said “Well, if I won’t swallow it, how could I possibly expect you to?” Kind of a considerate and thoughtful guy I thought but then it hit me…did he eat his cum on a regular basis and when I kissed him, was I just kissing a cummy mouth? Not nice. NOT nice.
• Then there was the guy who was actually physically sick when he saw his own cum. I could never understand that but then again, he was pretty pathetic. So basically this dude would cum on me  but then if he got some on himself, he’d rush off to the loo to wash any remnants of it off his body whilst I laid there soaking in his stinking man juice.
• Then there was the guy who enjoyed shooting his cum to the walls and then taking note of the distance it went. I have to admit, I did find that quite funny and I encouraged him. Well, c’mon, if we’re not laughing at them , we’re crying because of them!
• Then there was the guy who wanted to cum in my mouth and kiss me before I even swallowed it.  I assure you that relationship lasted all of one conversation….
• Then there was the guy who didn’t cum at all…. that relationship lasted all of five minutes.

Ah men and their cum…..but girls, when we break it down, the real cum question is:

Why does cum exit the japs eye whitish then turn all clear like water after a few minutes of it being out in the open??????

Ever noticed that?

Next time your boyfriend cums, check it out and send me your feedback.

I’m into science.

Cougarized.

I dated this guy for a couple of years who had serious body issues. He wouldn’t have had issues if he had eaten like a man and actually pumped some iron instead of being emo and drinking soda water and lime in a scabby pub the size of a brothel’s toilet complaining that he couldn’t fit a full meal in his teeny tummy. Looking back: WHAT was I thinking??? Answer: I simply WASN’T!

 Hey ho, don’t say Mother Cougar doesn’t do charity once in a while. Frankly, I was a fucking martyr with this one and I know I’ll get a medal when I hit the pearly gates.

Anyway, I guess the point of this post is IF your man displays signs of being shit and inexperienced in bed, then ditch him or forever be fantasising about how good it was with your ex or how good it could be IF he knew how to use his cock. (Virgins don’t count!)

Firstly this guy took THREE months to take his t-shirt off during sex. It got to a stage where I pretty much said: T-shirt OFFFFFF or no pushing cushion!! Sometimes you have to play mean girls.

Seriously….then it came….months of missionary. Frankly, I don’t know why I allowed it to go on so long because, you know, I like a little work out in bed. Who doesn’t? I guess with the more sensitive guys, one has to be a little more gentle but come on, the kids gloves HAD to come OFF.

I thought I would tackle this ‘missionary only’ situation with a little delicacy and decorum and so it went like this:

“Hmm. Shall we try something different? Anything you want? Don’t be shy, honestly, tell me what you want to do or what other position you like and we’ll try it, ok?”

He nodded his head and then asked me to lay on my front. At the time, I was thinking:

“Surely we can’t be going from one extreme to the other? E.G Missionary to anal??”

Oh no no no. No such torment. He then laid himself on top of me. Oh God. The vision just hit my mind like a burning razor blade to an already open wound. It was like some sort of bloody banana boat activity. Then he slipped it in. But not up the arse, in the clunge.

I mean, come on!!! Bloody frigging hell here. A 25 year old???? That’s what I had signed my heart up to. The world can be damn cruel.

That was it girls. That was his second little fave position. The “Lay on your tummy while I put it in your clunge from behind.”

Turned out he had only ever had one previous girlfriend and she was 1) a virgin and 2) in college.

My advice to you all is PLEASE don’t be a charity just because they come across sensitive and caring AND please, if the sex is FAR FROM good after several months then recognise that you have two options:

1)    Die a depressed sexless loser

OR

2)    Get shot of him and find some hottie who can pleasure you in the bedroom as well as upstairs!!

Cougarized.

I’d never dated a guy with a full grown beard until recently.  Looking back on that relationship, it was like fighting my way through Dante’s nine circles of hell. His beard didn’t help.

Here’s why beards don’t help matters…

• They smell of puke. Plain and simple. They stink. I can’t be convinced otherwise, I’ve been there.
• Beards are like facial nets, they catch nuggets of food. You’ll wake up one morning with rats having a picnic on your boyfriends’ face. He’ll probably wake up cleaner though.
• Beards hide the ugly man underneath. Do you want the man you’re with to be peek-a-booing his eyes out of his face at you?
• Big beards are often owned by lazy men who can’t be arsed to shave. If they can’t be arsed to shave pubes off their face, what’s the likelihood they wipe their arses after a shit? I’m certainly not placing any bets on that one…don’t even push me onto the subject of washing ones hands after the toilette either.
• When you caress your boyfriend’s face you want to be thinking romantic thoughts instead you’ll be thinking “Ah shit, I forgot to buy Brillo pads this week.”
• Do you want a thorn bush rubbing up in-between your thighs? Girls, will those be cries of joy or sheer pain? You’ll be screaming “Stop!” but not because it’s so good but because it’s ripping you raw - the beard is doing you serious damage down there!
• Sorry, when did dating your Dad become fashionable? Pray tell.
• Whilst walking about town, people will start to throw coins at him and start shouting “Got a copy of the Big Issue mate?” You’ll want the world to swallow you up. Tip: If that happens, pretend you don’t know him then when you get home and he asks you what all that was about, say: “Sorry baby, I was just thinking of the cover of Vogue”. He won’t ask you questions about fashion.  It’s too complicated.
• When he does finally get around to shaving his beard (at Xmas maybe?) you’ll need nerves of steel and an empty stomach to deal with what you find underneath. Spots the size of corks. Months of dead skin, oil, grease, sweat, food, puke all compact into bullets of filth wedged within his pores. When you squeeze them, wear goggles and maintain some distance in case waterfalls of puss squirt out at you - violently. For a while he may knock about with a complexion comparable to the surface craters of the moon but hey, at least you’ll be able to see him now.

If you have a bearded boyfriend, love him but hate the beard, my advice would be to get him to save up for laser hair removal treatment. That way you can trust the beard will never return. If he refuses, kick him to the curb and find someone who embraces personal hygiene and shaves his face pubes.

Cougarized

After being in relationships with extremely skinny men, here is why I think they are pointless:

• Your sex life will be limited. Well, you wouldn’t want to snap him? Plus, if you went on top, you’d lose him inside you. It’d be like a vacuum sucking up a whisker.
• He’ll bruise you up but not in a good way e.g hot sex, his bones will pierce into your flesh and you’ll leave the bedroom as if someone had taken a baseball bat to your inner thighs.
• You’ll cuddle him and instead of thinking “You give me the horn, take me now”, you’ll be thinking “You poor starved orphan. What orphanage did you runaway from? Do you want some soup? Don’t worry, you can always have more”.
• You’ll be scared to have a night of deep sleep just in case you wake up and find him dead : suffocated from when you rolled over him in the middle of the night.
• You’ll be compelled to cradle him like a newborn and end up running around after him and wiping his arse because the instinctual Mother in you will possess you.
• You’ll pity him because his naked body will remind you of an empty bird cage propped up on two matchsticks. This is not good because you’ll sleep with him simply because you feel sorry for him.
• All your friends will secretly nickname him Twiglet, Starvin Marvin or The Man Child.
• When you hang his clothes out to dry, you’ll be depressed because let’s face it, the last time you were able to fit into a pair of his jeans was when you were, hmm, let’s say five years old?

All in all, skinny men are pointless. If you find yourself lumbered with one, I suggest the following actions to try and 1) keep him alive, 2) make him bigger.

• Be really brutal and tell him you love his personality but his naked body scares you because you have a phobia of bones and if he wants to be with you, he needs to get his arse down the gym.
• Force him to drink protein shakes after every non sedentary activity. This includes going to the local shop to get milk. If he doesn’t comply, give him the silent treatment. Men hate that.
• When you cook for him, make sure you add lard to every meal. This may help make him get fatter. It may also block his arteries but that’s a long term issue and you probably won’t be with him then so you don’t need to worry about that.
• Get him drunk and when he passes out, inject him with steroids. Over dose him if you must. Do whatever it takes.
• Tell him that anorexia is not a joke and people who don’t know him are going to think he is taking the piss.
• Create a special chart with a reward scheme. Example: if he puts on 4 kilos in one month, he will be rewarded with five blow jobs a day for one whole week. Then you’ll see that the bastard makes a concerted effort to put on weight. Trust me, if this doesn’t work, start questioning his sexuality.

If all else fails,bin him and find a new man.

There are plenty out there that need good homes.