So I’ve been told by a member of the male species that there are three levels of cock hardness….

There’s the floppy unsightly droopy hardness which really shouldn’t be called a hardness as it resembles more a melted cheese. I’d say the smell is similar too especially after a day of sweating around the bollocks. What good is the floppy cock anyway? Shouldn’t it be made illegal? Cocks are ugly fuckers at the best of times, the last thing any women needs to catch a glimpse of is a pair of grotty hairy balls and a floppy cock drooping in the middle….you know, with the foreskin all wrinkly and sagging over the bell like some deflated Santa’s elf hat….Christ. Bile just reached my throat at the thought.

Then there’s the semi hardness…once again, someone please explain the point of this? It’s neither here nor there…bit like the French during just about every war they’ve dabbled in. What ya gonna do with a semi? You can’t ride it? It looks wrong and yet again, Santa’s elf hat ain’t really a good look huh? I guess the semi is most common first thing in the morning. The famous male subconscious forcing a semi on whilst sleep is underway in order for ‘him’ not to piss himself in the night. Imagine that? Your man has a disfunctional bell end? You’ll be swimming in piss from one day to the next. Of course it’s too hard just to, like us girls, wake up in the night and take a slash right? The word lazy comes to mind but then again, that adjective marries well with men of our day and age.

And now for the only acceptable status of male cock : the HARD ON. This is something you can actually work with unless of course, you’re dealing with a chicken nugget or just someone that was born with a bell end attached to a pair of shrivelled balls. I’ve been there girls. It scarred me for life. Sadly the hard on doesn’t often last long unless of course you’ve got him dosed up on viagra which isn’t such a bad thing really. My ex boyfriend could have done with a life time supply of viagra if I’m honest….his cock was far too prone to cruising in floppy cock mode. I gotta admit, at times when I see the cock in hard on mode, I’m compelled to beat it with a wooden baking spoon. Why you may ask? ‘Cos I want to see just how hard it is and how resistant.

Finally for the strange bit…. I was not so long ago sleeping with a guy who used to hold the base of his cock when inserting it into, well, you know where. At first I thought nothing of it but when he constantly did that, I had to ask him what the fuck he was up to. He replied:

“Well, you know, sometimes its at different levels of hardness”

“What are you saying? Your cock is too floppy it needs holding up?”

“Well, no but yeh but no but well, everyone’s different aren’t that?”

“Everyone IS different but a cock is a cock and its either hard or it ain’t…don’t be trying to prop it up whilst in the middle of the action!”

The bastard was trying to jab me with his floppy cock!!!!!!

Terror I tell you…..TERROR!

Cougarized.

So I had a history with this guy. We’d met when I was 19 but nothing had ever happened. Then our paths crossed again a few years later when I had just come out of a serious relationship and just needed some light sexual relief.

I dropped him a text to see if we were in the same country and we were so he invited me to his for the weekend.

We ate pizza. Pretended we were interested in one another’s conversation then went to the bedroom for the obvious nocturnal activities.

Things were getting intense when suddenly he needs the toilet. I thought that was strange but let him get on with it. He comes back and I decided to visit his crown jewels. So I’m down there giving them a polish when I had to stop and ask: “Did you wash your cock?”

Reason I asked was because, literally, I’d never tasted anything so chemical. It was like some sort of mouth wash had been passed across his helmet. So anyway, we’re going at it for literally an hour and I’m getting somewhat concerned that he has a problem because how has he not come? I was getting sore and bored. I had to ask him to stop.

At the time I felt bad about myself…. was it me? Was I just not attractive enough? Why had he not come? It’s always about round two?! Just give it up now and then save the rest for later!

The next morning he goes to work early and I sleep in. With his flat empty and to myself I thought I’d have a snoop. Oh come on! You telling me you’ve never done that? I looked through his bedroom drawers and cabinets. Not a lot to report.

But then I went to the bathroom and looked in his bathroom cabinet, right at the back, there it was. IT stood out because it was the only item that had an English label on it.

There it was kids….. DELAY SPRAY: A desensitizing spray which delays ejaculation. It all made sense.

He was about to shoot his load and ran off to the toilet to numb off his cock with a spray of the delay!

After literally losing my bladder to the bathroom floor with a volcanic stream of laughter, I left his flat and got the train back home.  As soon as I was home, I went to my friend’s house, ate biscuits, watched MTV and literally laughed for hours. Still laugh to this day when I picture him in my mind.

Ah, that was Spray Lord. God bless him and his delay spray.

Cougarized

E: cougarized@hotmail.co.uk

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Back in the day when myspace wasn’t a graveyard, I accepted an add request from a boy who looked a lot like Crispin Mills with the mouth Mick Jagger. Blonds really aren’t my cup of tea but when the going gets tough, the tough get going etc etc.

There was never any chatting on myspace done but one night whilst crossing the road in Camden outside a popular drinking hole my eyes locked with a guy which turned out to be him. Very random. I was with my girlfriends and he was with his mates so we joined parties and went to Barfly. That night we ended up kissing, I ended up in a taxi home with him, puked outside his garden gate and woke up in his bed fully clothed to the sound of knocking at his bedroom door. Feeling a little freaked out and hungover I heard a voice, his mother’s voice to be precise, saying “There’s toast and tea downstairs waiting for you”. Oh God…I felt like a slag despite seeing no action and having the taste of bile at the back of my throat.

His mother drove us to the tube station where I got the train. It was the most awkward and surreal morning of my life. Somehow after all this I started dating this guy. To be brutally honest, I didn’t even really fancy him but my friends encouraged I date him because he was ‘funny and hot’ and I should just roll with it which is what I did for three months. In those three months he was the perfect boyfriend. Bought me roses, chocolates, nursed my hangovers, took me for dinners, had good long chats etc. I began to like him.

Believe it or not, despite having slept in the same bed with him on several occasions, no sexual activity or even full scale nudity had occurred. He kept saying he wanted to wait. I started to think he was gay or just extremely scared of me. I thought I’d be open with him and told him sex had to happen and it had to happen soon because the situation was becoming ridiculous and I was questioning his sexuality. He came to my place for a night out and to consummate the relationship and that’s when I it all became clear….

To give the guy credit, it wasn’t the most romantic night. My friend who had come out with us had lost the keys to his uni halls and ended up sleeping on my bedroom floor whilst me and this dude slept in my bed. My friend was asleep totally KO-ed on the floor so I encouraged my bloke to get his kit off and just get on with it really. I was totally shocked to discover that this dude had a dick the size of a frigging chicken nugget. Literally, erect it was the smallest thing I’d ever seen. I felt somewhat sick and confused. It was like he had a bell end but the rest of his dick just hadn’t grown. How was I supposed to work with that? He’d brought condoms with him but to be fair, he’d have had to staple the bastard things on the end of his nugget to keep them on as his dick it was so small. Then it all fell into place. 3 months, no sex? How can you have sex (realistically) if you have an erect cock the size of a frigging chicken nugget? Frankly, it was rude and somewhat selfish of him not to share this rather important fact with his supposed girlfriend. Imagine if a bloke invested 3 long months on a girl who turned out to have a pin hole for a vagina? You’d never hear the end of it.

The next day I felt so ill at the thought of him. I didn’t even want him to touch me. All the feelings I had developed for him seemed to have disappeared overnight and I felt really ill at the thought of getting naked with this guy again. It was like Mother Nature was telling me “NO…he is not a human” or something. I dunno. Like when animals reject their offspring in the wild for being runts etc.

I never saw him after that. There would have been no point.

Cougarized

E: cougarized@hotmail.co.uk

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