Chicken Nugget
Back in the day when myspace wasn’t a graveyard, I accepted an add request from a boy who looked a lot like Crispin Mills with the mouth Mick Jagger. Blonds really aren’t my cup of tea but when the going gets tough, the tough get going etc etc.
There was never any chatting on myspace done but one night whilst crossing the road in Camden outside a popular drinking hole my eyes locked with a guy which turned out to be him. Very random. I was with my girlfriends and he was with his mates so we joined parties and went to Barfly. That night we ended up kissing, I ended up in a taxi home with him, puked outside his garden gate and woke up in his bed fully clothed to the sound of knocking at his bedroom door. Feeling a little freaked out and hungover I heard a voice, his mother’s voice to be precise, saying “There’s toast and tea downstairs waiting for you”. Oh God…I felt like a slag despite seeing no action and having the taste of bile at the back of my throat.
His mother drove us to the tube station where I got the train. It was the most awkward and surreal morning of my life. Somehow after all this I started dating this guy. To be brutally honest, I didn’t even really fancy him but my friends encouraged I date him because he was ‘funny and hot’ and I should just roll with it which is what I did for three months. In those three months he was the perfect boyfriend. Bought me roses, chocolates, nursed my hangovers, took me for dinners, had good long chats etc. I began to like him.
Believe it or not, despite having slept in the same bed with him on several occasions, no sexual activity or even full scale nudity had occurred. He kept saying he wanted to wait. I started to think he was gay or just extremely scared of me. I thought I’d be open with him and told him sex had to happen and it had to happen soon because the situation was becoming ridiculous and I was questioning his sexuality. He came to my place for a night out and to consummate the relationship and that’s when I it all became clear….
To give the guy credit, it wasn’t the most romantic night. My friend who had come out with us had lost the keys to his uni halls and ended up sleeping on my bedroom floor whilst me and this dude slept in my bed. My friend was asleep totally KO-ed on the floor so I encouraged my bloke to get his kit off and just get on with it really. I was totally shocked to discover that this dude had a dick the size of a frigging chicken nugget. Literally, erect it was the smallest thing I’d ever seen. I felt somewhat sick and confused. It was like he had a bell end but the rest of his dick just hadn’t grown. How was I supposed to work with that? He’d brought condoms with him but to be fair, he’d have had to staple the bastard things on the end of his nugget to keep them on as his dick it was so small. Then it all fell into place. 3 months, no sex? How can you have sex (realistically) if you have an erect cock the size of a frigging chicken nugget? Frankly, it was rude and somewhat selfish of him not to share this rather important fact with his supposed girlfriend. Imagine if a bloke invested 3 long months on a girl who turned out to have a pin hole for a vagina? You’d never hear the end of it.
The next day I felt so ill at the thought of him. I didn’t even want him to touch me. All the feelings I had developed for him seemed to have disappeared overnight and I felt really ill at the thought of getting naked with this guy again. It was like Mother Nature was telling me “NO…he is not a human” or something. I dunno. Like when animals reject their offspring in the wild for being runts etc.
I never saw him after that. There would have been no point.
