• You can wave good bye to spunk stained sheets
• Never again will you have to smell his greasey hair, rub your delicate skin against his wirey pube covered legs, smell his crusty arse or shiver in the winter nights when the bastard steals your share of the duvet.
• Ohhh you’ll be able to have a bath without having to wash his filthy shed skin and pubes off the sides of it…no more dirt from his legs after football and more importantly, your toilet won’t actually stink of his shit or be showered in his piss on a daily basis.
• On the subject of toilets, you’ll never have to clean his dirty protests out of the funnel of the loo… you know, the shit marks he leaves there carelessly thinking it’s ok because you’re ‘comfortable’ with eachother!? Same with the piss…. All over the floor and on the seat because he can’t be arsed to lift it when drunk.
• Your house and surroundings will be yours again…you can wave goodbye to all his shitty pictures and posters and basically man clutter which does nothing but depress the feng sui in any room.
• When you reach into the laundry basket, you won’t have to deal with pulling out his shit stained boxers.
• Just think, you can invite all your friends around the flat and not feel embarassed that your appendage pulls your top asking for his din dins.
• You won’t have to listen to his shit music anymore or him playing guitar REALLY badly.
• No more faking orgasms, no more having to shag him to fullfill his needs, no more pretending to enjoy the fucking and no more having to fuck his sorry arse full stop!!
• You won’t have to ‘Fake Support’ him…by this I mean, you know, when you support what he is doing in his life when at the back of your head you are really thinking : “Dude you are a fucking loser! What planet are you on? Get a fucking proper job! And while you are at it, do us ALL a favour and GET A LIFE!”.
• You won’t have to cut his food up small, give in to his fads and fancies, watch him while he picks and eats his food like a 5 year old child. Bascially you will be able to enjoy your meals…finally!
• You’ll never have to socialise with his loser friends anymore and pretend constantly that you are interested in their dull, pathetic boring lives. Be the ‘good girlfriend’ and go to his social events just to show face or praise him in front of his parents when really you know you are just telling them lies (their son is a pathetic no hoper) and finally, you’ll never have to plan your free time and holidays around the that little prick again!

But girls, the greatest thing about being rid of a boyfriend (ex) is that you will be able to do and screw what and who you want but above all, you’ll be FREE.

You know, like Mel Gibson in that film Braveheart…. “FREEEEEEEEEDOOOMMMMMMMM”.

Cougarized.

I’d never dated a guy with a full grown beard until recently.  Looking back on that relationship, it was like fighting my way through Dante’s nine circles of hell. His beard didn’t help.

Here’s why beards don’t help matters…

• They smell of puke. Plain and simple. They stink. I can’t be convinced otherwise, I’ve been there.
• Beards are like facial nets, they catch nuggets of food. You’ll wake up one morning with rats having a picnic on your boyfriends’ face. He’ll probably wake up cleaner though.
• Beards hide the ugly man underneath. Do you want the man you’re with to be peek-a-booing his eyes out of his face at you?
• Big beards are often owned by lazy men who can’t be arsed to shave. If they can’t be arsed to shave pubes off their face, what’s the likelihood they wipe their arses after a shit? I’m certainly not placing any bets on that one…don’t even push me onto the subject of washing ones hands after the toilette either.
• When you caress your boyfriend’s face you want to be thinking romantic thoughts instead you’ll be thinking “Ah shit, I forgot to buy Brillo pads this week.”
• Do you want a thorn bush rubbing up in-between your thighs? Girls, will those be cries of joy or sheer pain? You’ll be screaming “Stop!” but not because it’s so good but because it’s ripping you raw - the beard is doing you serious damage down there!
• Sorry, when did dating your Dad become fashionable? Pray tell.
• Whilst walking about town, people will start to throw coins at him and start shouting “Got a copy of the Big Issue mate?” You’ll want the world to swallow you up. Tip: If that happens, pretend you don’t know him then when you get home and he asks you what all that was about, say: “Sorry baby, I was just thinking of the cover of Vogue”. He won’t ask you questions about fashion.  It’s too complicated.
• When he does finally get around to shaving his beard (at Xmas maybe?) you’ll need nerves of steel and an empty stomach to deal with what you find underneath. Spots the size of corks. Months of dead skin, oil, grease, sweat, food, puke all compact into bullets of filth wedged within his pores. When you squeeze them, wear goggles and maintain some distance in case waterfalls of puss squirt out at you - violently. For a while he may knock about with a complexion comparable to the surface craters of the moon but hey, at least you’ll be able to see him now.

If you have a bearded boyfriend, love him but hate the beard, my advice would be to get him to save up for laser hair removal treatment. That way you can trust the beard will never return. If he refuses, kick him to the curb and find someone who embraces personal hygiene and shaves his face pubes.

Cougarized