It recently occurred to me when walking home one evening how the men in my sexual past have all had different relationships with their cum so I thought I would share them here.

• One guy who was, I don’t know if this is relevant or not, 16 years older than me loved his cum. So much so when he used to wank himself off, he would take great delight in doing so in the cup of his hand. He confessed to me that he enjoyed to raise his full of cum cupped hands to his nose and have a jolly good sniff.  As I was a young innocent at the time, I thought this was normal. Later on in life I learned that this is far from normal. In fact, it is pretty fucked up.
• Then there was the guy who liked to taste his cum on the day of sex because he said “Well, if I won’t swallow it, how could I possibly expect you to?” Kind of a considerate and thoughtful guy I thought but then it hit me…did he eat his cum on a regular basis and when I kissed him, was I just kissing a cummy mouth? Not nice. NOT nice.
• Then there was the guy who was actually physically sick when he saw his own cum. I could never understand that but then again, he was pretty pathetic. So basically this dude would cum on me  but then if he got some on himself, he’d rush off to the loo to wash any remnants of it off his body whilst I laid there soaking in his stinking man juice.
• Then there was the guy who enjoyed shooting his cum to the walls and then taking note of the distance it went. I have to admit, I did find that quite funny and I encouraged him. Well, c’mon, if we’re not laughing at them , we’re crying because of them!
• Then there was the guy who wanted to cum in my mouth and kiss me before I even swallowed it.  I assure you that relationship lasted all of one conversation….
• Then there was the guy who didn’t cum at all…. that relationship lasted all of five minutes.

Ah men and their cum…..but girls, when we break it down, the real cum question is:

Why does cum exit the japs eye whitish then turn all clear like water after a few minutes of it being out in the open??????

Ever noticed that?

Next time your boyfriend cums, check it out and send me your feedback.

I’m into science.

Cougarized.

I’d never dated a guy with a full grown beard until recently.  Looking back on that relationship, it was like fighting my way through Dante’s nine circles of hell. His beard didn’t help.

Here’s why beards don’t help matters…

• They smell of puke. Plain and simple. They stink. I can’t be convinced otherwise, I’ve been there.
• Beards are like facial nets, they catch nuggets of food. You’ll wake up one morning with rats having a picnic on your boyfriends’ face. He’ll probably wake up cleaner though.
• Beards hide the ugly man underneath. Do you want the man you’re with to be peek-a-booing his eyes out of his face at you?
• Big beards are often owned by lazy men who can’t be arsed to shave. If they can’t be arsed to shave pubes off their face, what’s the likelihood they wipe their arses after a shit? I’m certainly not placing any bets on that one…don’t even push me onto the subject of washing ones hands after the toilette either.
• When you caress your boyfriend’s face you want to be thinking romantic thoughts instead you’ll be thinking “Ah shit, I forgot to buy Brillo pads this week.”
• Do you want a thorn bush rubbing up in-between your thighs? Girls, will those be cries of joy or sheer pain? You’ll be screaming “Stop!” but not because it’s so good but because it’s ripping you raw - the beard is doing you serious damage down there!
• Sorry, when did dating your Dad become fashionable? Pray tell.
• Whilst walking about town, people will start to throw coins at him and start shouting “Got a copy of the Big Issue mate?” You’ll want the world to swallow you up. Tip: If that happens, pretend you don’t know him then when you get home and he asks you what all that was about, say: “Sorry baby, I was just thinking of the cover of Vogue”. He won’t ask you questions about fashion.  It’s too complicated.
• When he does finally get around to shaving his beard (at Xmas maybe?) you’ll need nerves of steel and an empty stomach to deal with what you find underneath. Spots the size of corks. Months of dead skin, oil, grease, sweat, food, puke all compact into bullets of filth wedged within his pores. When you squeeze them, wear goggles and maintain some distance in case waterfalls of puss squirt out at you - violently. For a while he may knock about with a complexion comparable to the surface craters of the moon but hey, at least you’ll be able to see him now.

If you have a bearded boyfriend, love him but hate the beard, my advice would be to get him to save up for laser hair removal treatment. That way you can trust the beard will never return. If he refuses, kick him to the curb and find someone who embraces personal hygiene and shaves his face pubes.

Cougarized