…so I haven’t moved on with him infact, I moved in with him - well, pretty much.

Take it from me and I’m a girl with some lip, when a guy looks into your eyes and tells you he’s going to miss your verbal abuse, you know its love.

All those late night chats, cups of tea, biscuits and stupid stories led into an immediately intense friendship which quickly accelerated into a full blown romance.

It’s easier for me to tell you what is unhealthy about this relationship as opposed to what is healthy because quite frankly, it just feels ALL good.

Firstly, I’ve got to tell you about this guys hands and thighs. Fucking hell. He has the best pair of both. His hands are just utterly perfect. The type of hand you literally want all over you and all the time. His thighs….well, lets put it like this, the first time I watched him undress at the end of my bed and he popped those puppies out, I nearly wet the bed. Muscular juicey footballers thighs. What else could you do with them other than get your mouth stuck into ‘em and have a nibble?

I work around models every so often so I know a nice body when I see one and not a skinny one - those are the femald models that have to live off toilet paper, diet coke and cocaine. Male models should be tall, decent shoulders, not too broad, slim waist, good legs. He has exactly that. Jack pot. Makes the sex like living an eternal wet dream make no mistake about it. But its the way he carries himself that really does it for me. Manly but not like some sort of dominating peacock fluttering his testosterone fuelled feathers about.

Truhfully what did it for me was the touch. Its difficult to explain but it always comes unexpectedly and when it does, its fucking fantastic.

Its crazy to think that you date so many guys in your life and then one day, you totally without looking, literally bump into someone who after such a short period of time, suddenly understand how IT should feel.

That’s enough rambling for now…….I’ll have to tell you about the sex in the ladies toilets at the wedding next time. Think I pulled a thigh muscle that day. It was one hell of a knee trembling session.

Cougarized.

Dear Followers Of Mother Cougar Blog,

It’s been a month since my last post and I gotta admit…I feel guilty especially when I see all the unanswered mails.

The truth is, I’ve fallen into a relationship and its actually GOOD. Do you want to know about it? Will it make you laugh as much to read updates of my happy healthy love life with a man that is as far from creepy, weird, perverse, wanker like and well, just in general mental?

The truth is, you all read my blog because of the crazy encounters I have with the opposite sex and I gotta admit, I do attract some right freaks but right now, I’m in a place where I’ve attracted a good egg and all my stories would quite frankly bore you.

Or would they?

Are you interested in reading updates about my healthy, fully functional current relationship with a brilliant man?

That’s the question….

Love,

Mother Cougar

So I’ve been told by a member of the male species that there are three levels of cock hardness….

There’s the floppy unsightly droopy hardness which really shouldn’t be called a hardness as it resembles more a melted cheese. I’d say the smell is similar too especially after a day of sweating around the bollocks. What good is the floppy cock anyway? Shouldn’t it be made illegal? Cocks are ugly fuckers at the best of times, the last thing any women needs to catch a glimpse of is a pair of grotty hairy balls and a floppy cock drooping in the middle….you know, with the foreskin all wrinkly and sagging over the bell like some deflated Santa’s elf hat….Christ. Bile just reached my throat at the thought.

Then there’s the semi hardness…once again, someone please explain the point of this? It’s neither here nor there…bit like the French during just about every war they’ve dabbled in. What ya gonna do with a semi? You can’t ride it? It looks wrong and yet again, Santa’s elf hat ain’t really a good look huh? I guess the semi is most common first thing in the morning. The famous male subconscious forcing a semi on whilst sleep is underway in order for ‘him’ not to piss himself in the night. Imagine that? Your man has a disfunctional bell end? You’ll be swimming in piss from one day to the next. Of course it’s too hard just to, like us girls, wake up in the night and take a slash right? The word lazy comes to mind but then again, that adjective marries well with men of our day and age.

And now for the only acceptable status of male cock : the HARD ON. This is something you can actually work with unless of course, you’re dealing with a chicken nugget or just someone that was born with a bell end attached to a pair of shrivelled balls. I’ve been there girls. It scarred me for life. Sadly the hard on doesn’t often last long unless of course you’ve got him dosed up on viagra which isn’t such a bad thing really. My ex boyfriend could have done with a life time supply of viagra if I’m honest….his cock was far too prone to cruising in floppy cock mode. I gotta admit, at times when I see the cock in hard on mode, I’m compelled to beat it with a wooden baking spoon. Why you may ask? ‘Cos I want to see just how hard it is and how resistant.

Finally for the strange bit…. I was not so long ago sleeping with a guy who used to hold the base of his cock when inserting it into, well, you know where. At first I thought nothing of it but when he constantly did that, I had to ask him what the fuck he was up to. He replied:

“Well, you know, sometimes its at different levels of hardness”

“What are you saying? Your cock is too floppy it needs holding up?”

“Well, no but yeh but no but well, everyone’s different aren’t that?”

“Everyone IS different but a cock is a cock and its either hard or it ain’t…don’t be trying to prop it up whilst in the middle of the action!”

The bastard was trying to jab me with his floppy cock!!!!!!

Terror I tell you…..TERROR!

Cougarized.

So there is a guy I have known for YEARS and we are, let’s say,’friends’ now.

Anyway, he started dating a girl and to be honest I wish he hadn’t because I am the one who has to listen to all his fucking dramas on the phone. Honestly, I’ve told him to man up and get some balls when this girl messes him about but he still persists to ‘try’ and work it out with her. She is a model and other than that she has absolutely nothing going for her other than a pair of legs she struggles to keep crossed but men are visual creatures and love the whole trophy girlfriend bull shit so his bad….

This one night he phoned me up for advice regarding his relationship and frankly, I was more than BORED of listening to his repetitive dribble. I have told him many times to get shot of this tramp but he still goes back. This night I lost my patience, told him I didn’t have time for his boring shit and hung up the phone on him. If I am honest with you, I was harsher than that towards him - sometimes, for your own sanity, you need to be cruel to be kind with these bell ends.

Seconds later he calls my phone and I let it ring out. NOT INTERESTED! He calls my phone around ten times. I had to turn it on silent. I didn’t answer…. Anyone would think he was in a frigging relationship with me the way he carries on!!

It was late so I got ready for bed and was about to fall asleep. Drifting off and I hear the buzzer on my door phone ringing. I ignored it because it was way past mid night and who would be ringing my buzzer at that time? It continues to ring and ring so I got up and answered.

It was him!! He was on the end of the door phone asking to be let in. The fucking mentalist couldn’t handle being ignored and had gotten on his bike (literally) and cycled over to my apartment to speak to me in person.

I asked him down the door phone “Erm, what the fuck are you doing?” to which he replied “I won’t allow you to snub me. Please let me in, I cycled all the way here…is there a place to lock up my bike so I can come in?”

It was like a scene in a really cheesey fucking film!

You see? Men are mental more so than women because I tell you something for nothing, there ain’t no fucking way I’ll ever get on a bike or any other form of transport in the middle of the freezing cold night in order to speak face to face with a guy who hung up the phone on me!! NO WAY! Not even if humanity depended on it.

Anyway, I let him in and we had a cup of tea. He basically told me he had cycled over to make sure we were still ‘friends’ despite me hanging up on him earlier.

I felt a bit put out if I am honest….I was in my pijama’s and literally anchoring for him to piss off back home so I could get some sleep.

What would his girlfriend have thought? Tramp.

Men…the mind boggles. But the more you ignore them or treat them with disdain, the harder they try to seek your approval. Sad really…

Cougarized

BREAK UPS….Think of them positively, you are flushing the SHIT down the bog….sometimes it may float back up OR even get stuck but keep on flushing and soon it’ll be allllllll gone.

Never fear either, more shit is just around the corner….

GET FLUSHING GIRLS!

Love Mother Cougar

Years ago I met a guy in a bar. We exchanged social platform contact details and IM adds. He was hot but clearly just looking to push some pussy that night and nothing more. At the time we exchanged contact details, I made it clear, the last thing he’d be pushing was me. That night he ended up fucking a friend of mine. She never saw or heard from him after. I never told her he had tried it on with me.

We never stayed in touch. In fact, I thought he was a massive dick head. Cracking onto me then ending up screwing my friend? But then around 6 months later, during the summer, I had broken up with someone and needed to fulfil some needs. Knowing this guy would be easy and my friendship with the girl he screwed had pretty much fizzled out, I IM-ed him and we began to chat. I was surprised when he started suggesting we saw some art house films and maybe went to some galleries together etc. At the time, I thought he was just trying to sugar coat the potential hook up I was fishing for so I played along with it. After all, months ago my friend had given me details so I knew already what I was buying into….

We arranged a drink in the city. He bought me a beer and we began to chat. Initially, I thought it was polite mandatory chat as he seemed to ask me lots of ‘get to know you’ questions…you know, he was working pretty hard to get in my pants which I found strange because I thought I’d made it clear I didn’t care for airy fairy dating bull shit, I just wanted sex. I was getting bored. I didn’t want to get to know him, in fact, I wasn’ interested in HIM as a person at all. I cut to the chase and suggested we ditch our beers and head to his.

When we got back to his, I thought it’d be a case of up against the wall, pants down, pump etc but he began to do weird shit like show me his oven and where he writes his articles (he was/is a music journalist), the magazines he’s written for… I was confused. Was he being innocent? Dumb? Trying to make out this was something it wasn’t? All the signals I was giving him were “I’m not interested in you as a person, I just want your body tonight” but he was coming back at me with excerpts of his life. It got overwhelming when he started showing me photos… At that stage I said to him plain and simple

“Hey, you don’t have to do all this, shall we just go to the bedroom?”

So off we went. We did the business and we went to sleep. I have to admit, I had my mind on other things like how I was going to get to work the next day bearing in mind, I was working well out of town. At around 5am I woke up, looked over at him sleeping and thought “God, I need to get the hell out of here”. I grabbed my clothes and shoes, got dressed and tip toed out the door.

Thinking back, I remember laughing all the way to the train station. It was the first time I’d done something remotely like that. I found the whole hook up hilarious. I didn’t contact him after and he didn’t contact me. I was more than happy with that.

About two weeks later, I signed into my IM chat and he instantly started a conversation with me. It went a bit like this:

“What happened to you? You left… not even a good bye? What happened to going to galleries and seeing films together?”

I was BEYOND shocked. Was he for real? As IF I would even consider taking him seriously! So I replied…

“Erm, sorry, I didn’t say good bye because it was 5am when I left and you were asleep and if I am honest with you, it was just sex for me.”

“But you could have woken me up? I woke up and you were gone. You made me feel like shit, like I did something wrong.”

What!???!!!! Like when he felt bad for NOT contacting my friend after he shagged her? What DOUBLE STANDARDS! At this stage I told him I had work to do and closed down the IM. It was mental. I was literally gob smacked.

This got me thinking, it’s ok for men to shag around having one nighters and then not contacting the girl after YET when a women proceeds to do the same, it’s not on? I’m not being funny, but if he chooses to be such an easy lay then what does he expect? Also, what planet was he on? As IF I would want to have a relationship with someone who is literally THAT easy and on top of that, someone who has shagged my friend? Fair enough, I would have never gone there had my friendship with her lasted BUT at the same time, that’s not cool. Jesus, the day after my friend had shagged him, we all met up for coffee and discussed his dick and performance in bed in great detail! There’s NO WAY I’d seriously date a dude whose dick I’d dicussed over a capuccino with 5 of my friends. Fool.

This guy, YEARS later, still IMs me when I’m online. In fact, the last conversation I had with him was a few weeks ago. He was trying to get me to fly over to Spain for a dirty weekend. Utter madness.

According to men, women are mental. I beg to differ.

Cougarized

MANY moons ago I was taking an elevator at a train station and sharing the elevator was this guy who at the time, I confused for a guy I knew back from college days. That’s actually how we got talking. I said “Oh my God, it’s bla bla” and he replied? “Sorry no my name is…” He was HOT. Literally the most amazing piercing blue eyes I have ever seen.  Anyway, within a 2 minute elevator ride I had discovered he lived in a neighbouring town, was a little younger than me, from another country and illegally living and working here. I didn’t care. I asked for his number and we both went on opposite platforms of the train station to catch our trains. Thinking back, it was bizarre. We were smiling and waving at each other across the platform until we got the train. Then on the train, we both waved from the window until it departed. We’d literally only known each other 5 minutes! Within a minute of train departure, he’d texted me and set a date. It was exciting.

If I want to be 100% honest, I was actually taking a train to meet another guy who I had just started dating. Isn’t that always the way?? If it doesn’t rain, it pours…anyway, it was in super early stages of dating the other guy so I didn’t feel bad about keeping my options open. Trust me, men NEVER feel bad about keeping their options open so why should women?

So there was only ever one date and it went a bit like this…. He turned up early and had already bought a drink. I arrived and went into mind melt because he was literally so fucking hot. Back to his eyes, they could have been featured in an issue of National Geographic. So blue…literally I was mesmerized. I can’t date guys unless they have blue eyes, they just aren’t valid to me. Plus, he was a manual labourer and therefore ripped. Every time he lifted his pint, I got distracted by the muscle tension in his arms. I was salivating like some sort of rabid dog!

The novelty soon wore off when we delved into ‘conversation’. He seemed really shy which I am not so I felt somewhat empowered. With shy guys, you can always be super direct and ask them amusing questions which make them squirm. Anyway, we had some general chit chat and I realised pretty quickly that there would be no longevity in dating an illegal immigrant but for some casual fun, why not?

Then he came out with the weirdest thing any man has ever said to me – that isn’t vulgar that is.

“I need to tell you something” to which I replied “Erm, yes, go ahead”. “I am honest boy and I need to tell you I am father.” I sort of stood there and thought, what the fuck? He’s a bit young to be a father and where the hell is this kid? And why is he on a date with me if he has a frigging child somewhere? So I said : “You mean, you have a child here? Does that mean you have a wife or partner as well?”. Well you know, I had to ask that, kids just don’t drop out of the sky and I didn’t want to be some hussy homewrecker! Then he said: “Well, I have ex girlfriend and she is mother of child.” I was getting anxious….so where the fuck was this child?!!?!?!?! 

Then he said possibly the most innocent sweetest yet disturbing thing a man has ever said to me;

“We had child together but I came here to work to make money and she killed child.”

At this point, I wanted to run…what the fuck was this? Finally when I had gotten past the language barrier he was trying to explain that he and his girlfriend had gotten pregnant but she had had an abortion without him knowing. It was HEAVY. He seemed really cut up about it – obviously. He wasn’t a douche and wanted this kid….  He finished the conversation by adding that he just needed to be honest with me because he felt something inside.

I didn’t see him again. Being an illegal alien and coming out of a relationship with a girl who aborted his child without him knowing just seemed way too much for me.

This guy made me have some faith in the male race.

Cougarized