I’ll tell you right now why us dappy mere women are more attracted to bastards than good guys…. It’s because if a guy is nice, he’s needy and if he’s needy its not nice…its off putting…sex drive killing even. No one really lusts over a needy NICE guy, right? Nice guys are either gay or ugly or plain and simply boring WHEN comparing them to the bastard stereotype of a male.

I mean, lets face it, the bastard has allure…intrigue….makes us want to ‘talk about it’….’analyze it’…you know ‘eat ice cream and cry over it’ whilst wearing and over sized ‘I’ve just been dumped’ jumper sobbing to our bezzie mate racking up mental high phone bills.

So where’s the middle ground? I mean, you can’t have a nice guy who is a bastard? It’s a paradox. But then bastards aren’t nice…or are they?

Everyone is capable of being nice even bastard males its just how to work around the initial bastard trait and manipulate the bastard into thinking he’s winning/getting his way when actually he isn’t.

There comes a point when even a bastard gets hooked on a girl - be sure about that and then you get the nice guy but with the allure of the bastard.

Cougarized.

So I’m playing my music and I don’t think I’m playing it all that loud when I hear someone from the flat below banging on the ceiling under my bedroom floor. I initially ignored it but then decided to pop down to the neighbour and see what his beef was. I mean, after having slept in the same bed and had ‘pillow talk’ minus the actual action, I felt it would have been rude not to.

I knock downstairs, he lets me in with a big smirk on his face, we go to the living room and end up spending the entire afternoon drinking tea chatting and laughing about filth and general nonsensical stuff. I then asked him what he was up to that evening and he said he was off out on a date so I spent a little more time there before heading back to my flat.

At around 10pm I get a knock at the door. It was him. I was confused… “Weren’t you supposed to be on a date tonight?” “Ah yeh but I’m not that into her so said I was tired and walked her to the station before coming home”

Interesting, not too tired to see me straight after though eh? Anyway, I didn’t ask queastions, I invted him in and we spent the night, actually, up unto 4am the next morning talking on my sofa. I fed him a burger as every good woman would then it came to a point where I really needed to sleep.

So that was that. Off he went downstairs and off I went through the hallway and into my bed.

Strange night. Before he left, he asked if I wanted to have dinner with him sometime so I set a date and here we go.

The story of The Downstairs Neighbour continues……shag fest ahead no doubt?

But is it really wise to be screwing your downstairs neighbour? Sure it is convenient but it could become rather tricky if it all goes tits up.

Hm.

Cougarized

“Ah yeh, she was mental”

There is a trend in men when they are single. The trend is describing their exes as “mental”. I was flicking through my memory bank of recent and even past dates and it suddenly occurred to me that 9 out of 10 guys I dated have all described their exes as mental.

I mean, come on you toss pots. Wasn’t there a reason you were with her for one, two, three ever four plus years? She couldn’t have been THAT mental then right? And erm, excuse me, how is it ALL your exes are mental? Where do you hang? The local nut house?

So this got me thinking…. “Mental” is man’s scapegoat adjective? It has to be? It’s what keeps him warm in bed when he is thinking about all the nasty shit he did to his ex… it allows him to hide behind the fact he was a total twat – no doubt. It basically acts like a shield protecting male pride and ego when it was her that dumped him and she moved on bla la bla.

This one guy told me he dated this girl and she was mental. Turned out he dated her for THREE weeks and he’d basically used her for sex so when she got pissed at him, he called her mental. Yeh, because she really has to be mental to get upset about some sweaty bollock breath dropping her a few lines and using her? What a douche!

Then this other guy who had been dating his ex for FIVE years described her as mental because her career goal was to work in interior design and she ended up getting a part time job at the reception of a sex clinic. Basically she was a receptionist, needed a job part time, took the first thing available. She was classed as mental by this dick head because she had dumped him. Undoubtedly his pride had been dented and he couldn’t find any other reason to belittle her so he calls her “mental” for taking the first job offered to her. What a dickhead!

Another guy told me his ex was mental because when she wised up to him having an affair, she chucked his clothes out the window and changed the locks to their flat. Sorry, how is that mental? She’d be mental not to have gone to get herself checked out for STDs dating a cock sucker like that!! I tell you what, if some fucker ever cheated on me, he’d wake up with his cock cut off in his hand. Make no mistake about that!!!!

Then this other guy who decided he would roll up home at 4am irrespective of his girlfriend’s working schedule (9-5) steaming drunk stinking of no doubt sweat, piss and booze and wonders why on one occasion his girlfriend decided to lock him out. Of course she is mental for wanting to get one night’s sleep during the week when she has work right? Of course. This was the guy who told me he did a shit in the middle of the morning outside the Royal Courts of Justice. He also sent me a photo message of his fucking slippers and he has the fucking audacity to call his ex girlfriend MENTAL?

The list is really quite endless. My advice to you all is that if you come across a douche who begins to jibber jabber on about his ex describing her as mental, then get the fuck out while you still can because 9 times out of 10, he’ll be a waste of the sperm he produces.

Cougarized.

Imagine this, a guy spends all night stuck to my arse chatting me up at a house party. He goes to take a leak and a girl comes over to me – I don’t know her – she asks me:

“Do you know him?”

“Nope, I just met him tonight. He’s just been chatting to me. Why?”

“Ahhh, oh yeh, he’s alright, my friend shagged him. She said he was a good fuck.”

“Oh really? That’s good to know. Thanks for giving me the heads up. Is she still with him now?”

“Oh no no, it was just a one off thing.”

Then the guy comes back, the girl wanders off and speaks to other people.

At this point we were in the living room so I dragged him out into the hall way by the bottom of the stairs and I had one of the most hilarious and ridiculous conversation I have ever had with an adult male. It started off with me asking him if he knew the random girl we were chatting to and he said he had met her at another party a few weeks ago so I went in for the jugular and come out with it.

“That’s right, she said she knew you, well, rather HER friend knows you. She just came over and said you fucked her friend but apparently, you’re a good shag. What’s the deal with that? Are you a serial party shagger?”

I started laughing at him because to be honest, I didn’t really give a shit. I frankly found the whole situation hilarious but he looked so shocked. He then ushered me to sit down on the bottom of the stairs while he lent over me like some sort of mental begger and came out with this:

“What? I don’t even know that girl. She’s crazy. Listen, you have to believe me, her friend is crazy. I met them both at a toga party. I couldn’t get rid of this girl. She wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t know what to do!”

“Oh right so you thought shagging her would be the solution to getting rid of her?”

“Nooooo. It’s not what I thought but she just wouldn’t leave me alone. She was desperate to have sex with me. I couldn’t fight her off. I thought if I had sex with her she would leave me alone.”

People, this was a guy in his mid 30’s, director of a successful city company, trying to convince me he was forced into sex!

What a sack of shit!!!

Cougarized

So there is a guy I have known for YEARS and we are, let’s say,’friends’ now.

Anyway, he started dating a girl and to be honest I wish he hadn’t because I am the one who has to listen to all his fucking dramas on the phone. Honestly, I’ve told him to man up and get some balls when this girl messes him about but he still persists to ‘try’ and work it out with her. She is a model and other than that she has absolutely nothing going for her other than a pair of legs she struggles to keep crossed but men are visual creatures and love the whole trophy girlfriend bull shit so his bad….

This one night he phoned me up for advice regarding his relationship and frankly, I was more than BORED of listening to his repetitive dribble. I have told him many times to get shot of this tramp but he still goes back. This night I lost my patience, told him I didn’t have time for his boring shit and hung up the phone on him. If I am honest with you, I was harsher than that towards him - sometimes, for your own sanity, you need to be cruel to be kind with these bell ends.

Seconds later he calls my phone and I let it ring out. NOT INTERESTED! He calls my phone around ten times. I had to turn it on silent. I didn’t answer…. Anyone would think he was in a frigging relationship with me the way he carries on!!

It was late so I got ready for bed and was about to fall asleep. Drifting off and I hear the buzzer on my door phone ringing. I ignored it because it was way past mid night and who would be ringing my buzzer at that time? It continues to ring and ring so I got up and answered.

It was him!! He was on the end of the door phone asking to be let in. The fucking mentalist couldn’t handle being ignored and had gotten on his bike (literally) and cycled over to my apartment to speak to me in person.

I asked him down the door phone “Erm, what the fuck are you doing?” to which he replied “I won’t allow you to snub me. Please let me in, I cycled all the way here…is there a place to lock up my bike so I can come in?”

It was like a scene in a really cheesey fucking film!

You see? Men are mental more so than women because I tell you something for nothing, there ain’t no fucking way I’ll ever get on a bike or any other form of transport in the middle of the freezing cold night in order to speak face to face with a guy who hung up the phone on me!! NO WAY! Not even if humanity depended on it.

Anyway, I let him in and we had a cup of tea. He basically told me he had cycled over to make sure we were still ‘friends’ despite me hanging up on him earlier.

I felt a bit put out if I am honest….I was in my pijama’s and literally anchoring for him to piss off back home so I could get some sleep.

What would his girlfriend have thought? Tramp.

Men…the mind boggles. But the more you ignore them or treat them with disdain, the harder they try to seek your approval. Sad really…

Cougarized

Years ago I met a guy in a bar. We exchanged social platform contact details and IM adds. He was hot but clearly just looking to push some pussy that night and nothing more. At the time we exchanged contact details, I made it clear, the last thing he’d be pushing was me. That night he ended up fucking a friend of mine. She never saw or heard from him after. I never told her he had tried it on with me.

We never stayed in touch. In fact, I thought he was a massive dick head. Cracking onto me then ending up screwing my friend? But then around 6 months later, during the summer, I had broken up with someone and needed to fulfil some needs. Knowing this guy would be easy and my friendship with the girl he screwed had pretty much fizzled out, I IM-ed him and we began to chat. I was surprised when he started suggesting we saw some art house films and maybe went to some galleries together etc. At the time, I thought he was just trying to sugar coat the potential hook up I was fishing for so I played along with it. After all, months ago my friend had given me details so I knew already what I was buying into….

We arranged a drink in the city. He bought me a beer and we began to chat. Initially, I thought it was polite mandatory chat as he seemed to ask me lots of ‘get to know you’ questions…you know, he was working pretty hard to get in my pants which I found strange because I thought I’d made it clear I didn’t care for airy fairy dating bull shit, I just wanted sex. I was getting bored. I didn’t want to get to know him, in fact, I wasn’ interested in HIM as a person at all. I cut to the chase and suggested we ditch our beers and head to his.

When we got back to his, I thought it’d be a case of up against the wall, pants down, pump etc but he began to do weird shit like show me his oven and where he writes his articles (he was/is a music journalist), the magazines he’s written for… I was confused. Was he being innocent? Dumb? Trying to make out this was something it wasn’t? All the signals I was giving him were “I’m not interested in you as a person, I just want your body tonight” but he was coming back at me with excerpts of his life. It got overwhelming when he started showing me photos… At that stage I said to him plain and simple

“Hey, you don’t have to do all this, shall we just go to the bedroom?”

So off we went. We did the business and we went to sleep. I have to admit, I had my mind on other things like how I was going to get to work the next day bearing in mind, I was working well out of town. At around 5am I woke up, looked over at him sleeping and thought “God, I need to get the hell out of here”. I grabbed my clothes and shoes, got dressed and tip toed out the door.

Thinking back, I remember laughing all the way to the train station. It was the first time I’d done something remotely like that. I found the whole hook up hilarious. I didn’t contact him after and he didn’t contact me. I was more than happy with that.

About two weeks later, I signed into my IM chat and he instantly started a conversation with me. It went a bit like this:

“What happened to you? You left… not even a good bye? What happened to going to galleries and seeing films together?”

I was BEYOND shocked. Was he for real? As IF I would even consider taking him seriously! So I replied…

“Erm, sorry, I didn’t say good bye because it was 5am when I left and you were asleep and if I am honest with you, it was just sex for me.”

“But you could have woken me up? I woke up and you were gone. You made me feel like shit, like I did something wrong.”

What!???!!!! Like when he felt bad for NOT contacting my friend after he shagged her? What DOUBLE STANDARDS! At this stage I told him I had work to do and closed down the IM. It was mental. I was literally gob smacked.

This got me thinking, it’s ok for men to shag around having one nighters and then not contacting the girl after YET when a women proceeds to do the same, it’s not on? I’m not being funny, but if he chooses to be such an easy lay then what does he expect? Also, what planet was he on? As IF I would want to have a relationship with someone who is literally THAT easy and on top of that, someone who has shagged my friend? Fair enough, I would have never gone there had my friendship with her lasted BUT at the same time, that’s not cool. Jesus, the day after my friend had shagged him, we all met up for coffee and discussed his dick and performance in bed in great detail! There’s NO WAY I’d seriously date a dude whose dick I’d dicussed over a capuccino with 5 of my friends. Fool.

This guy, YEARS later, still IMs me when I’m online. In fact, the last conversation I had with him was a few weeks ago. He was trying to get me to fly over to Spain for a dirty weekend. Utter madness.

According to men, women are mental. I beg to differ.

Cougarized