I’ll tell you right now why us dappy mere women are more attracted to bastards than good guys…. It’s because if a guy is nice, he’s needy and if he’s needy its not nice…its off putting…sex drive killing even. No one really lusts over a needy NICE guy, right? Nice guys are either gay or ugly or plain and simply boring WHEN comparing them to the bastard stereotype of a male.

I mean, lets face it, the bastard has allure…intrigue….makes us want to ‘talk about it’….’analyze it’…you know ‘eat ice cream and cry over it’ whilst wearing and over sized ‘I’ve just been dumped’ jumper sobbing to our bezzie mate racking up mental high phone bills.

So where’s the middle ground? I mean, you can’t have a nice guy who is a bastard? It’s a paradox. But then bastards aren’t nice…or are they?

Everyone is capable of being nice even bastard males its just how to work around the initial bastard trait and manipulate the bastard into thinking he’s winning/getting his way when actually he isn’t.

There comes a point when even a bastard gets hooked on a girl - be sure about that and then you get the nice guy but with the allure of the bastard.

Cougarized.

So I’m playing my music and I don’t think I’m playing it all that loud when I hear someone from the flat below banging on the ceiling under my bedroom floor. I initially ignored it but then decided to pop down to the neighbour and see what his beef was. I mean, after having slept in the same bed and had ‘pillow talk’ minus the actual action, I felt it would have been rude not to.

I knock downstairs, he lets me in with a big smirk on his face, we go to the living room and end up spending the entire afternoon drinking tea chatting and laughing about filth and general nonsensical stuff. I then asked him what he was up to that evening and he said he was off out on a date so I spent a little more time there before heading back to my flat.

At around 10pm I get a knock at the door. It was him. I was confused… “Weren’t you supposed to be on a date tonight?” “Ah yeh but I’m not that into her so said I was tired and walked her to the station before coming home”

Interesting, not too tired to see me straight after though eh? Anyway, I didn’t ask queastions, I invted him in and we spent the night, actually, up unto 4am the next morning talking on my sofa. I fed him a burger as every good woman would then it came to a point where I really needed to sleep.

So that was that. Off he went downstairs and off I went through the hallway and into my bed.

Strange night. Before he left, he asked if I wanted to have dinner with him sometime so I set a date and here we go.

The story of The Downstairs Neighbour continues……shag fest ahead no doubt?

But is it really wise to be screwing your downstairs neighbour? Sure it is convenient but it could become rather tricky if it all goes tits up.

Hm.

Cougarized

It was brought to my attention that this great new sexy technique most commonly known as ‘The Monkey Face’ is all the rage.

If you’ve tried it, please DO let me know your thoughts because frankly it has to be the biggest load of man mental created bollocks I have ever heard.

Firstly this bull shit move involves your man shaving off his bollock pubes. Now girls, seriously, who likes bald balls? Mans genitalia was meant to be hidden…who the hell really enjoys looking at it for longer than it takes a dude to slip on a johny. Know what I’m saying?

So here’s the party trick, he keeps his shaved pube hair – possibly on the bedroom cabinet or in a dirty little bush on the floor by your pillow or whatever. He then pulls the moves on you and just at the crucial point of cumming spunks off in your face. Yep, shoots right off up there.

Wow what a porn movie huh? Oh no but it doesn’t end there… he then makes a quick dash for his shaved pube bush which I’d imagine by this point is steaming with stench smells just lying there and chucks it in your face on top of the cum.

It’s a bit like a sexual egg and flouring but seriously, is this hot?

“Hey honey, hang tough for a sec whilst I shoot off in your face and then grab my pubes to chuck at you”

I’ll tell you what this is: its leaving a man alone to think too long. Its a fucking dangerous state of affairs!!

Check this nonsense out: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=monkey%20face

Cougarized.

One word: RUN!

Why do people stay in relationships when the sex is unbearably crap? I just don’t get it. I dated a guy for all of three months. On paper he was perfect. Good job, hot, attentive…he would turn up at the train station with roses which he trawled the city to buy on a Sunday when most shops/florists were closed! But in bed he was total utter shite. Honestly, after the second month when the bed room antics weren’t looking up, it got to a stage where I would have rather poked needles in my eye. Actually, if I am honest, I was thinking of doing online grocery shops while he was penetrating me like some rusty motor. That’s no way to be!

You’ve got to look at these things realistically. It’s not good getting all sentimental and umming and butting because on paper and towards you he is perfect in every other area. Looking good on paper is not going to give you head! Girls, that’s just lame.

What do women want? We want a hot fuck as much as men do!!! Yeh, we also want a man who is tame enough to keep his cock in his pants and not gift us with an STD but at the same time, Lord, he needs to give it to us and give it to us good.

Let me tell you how it is…. If you are dating a dude who is under 20 and the sex is so-so, give him a chance. Go easy on him. He hasn’t had the years of porn lessons that most men over 20 have under their belts but any dude over 20 who literally can’t keep it up longer than five minutes and is ‘comfortable’ with a little hair pulling and missionary, bin that fucker before you get attached because the reality is, you can’t teach an old dog tricks. Dogs learn tricks at the stage of PUPPY and not after.

If the sex is shite then you know that he wasn’t trained right and he ain’t never gonna get better. NEVER.

Girls, crap sex….get the hell out of there….don’t even look back!! And certainly don’t shag that fucker out of pity for his crap techniques.

No one gets rewarded for coming LAST!

Cougarized

Guys on twitter and thier bios…. If I’d had a full bladder, I’d have surely wet myself:

“BIO: Funny , High And Most Definatly Fly. Ive Got Swagger and im an intellegent guy.”

(I see you are also great at spelling! Very ‘intellegent’ indeed!)

Here’s another…

“BIO: We aint worried about the mainstream because we run the underground like were jogging in the train station.”

(Any chance you’ll jog off the platform onto the rails?)

Cougarized