Years ago I met a guy in a bar. We exchanged social platform contact details and IM addresses. He was hot but clearly just looking to push some pussy that night and nothing more. At the time we exchanged contact details, I made it clear, the last thing he’d be pushing was me which he was fine about. That night he ended up fucking a friend of mine. She never saw or heard from him after.

We never stayed in touch. In fact, I thought he was a massive dick head. Cracking onto me then ending up screwing my friend? But then around 6 months later, during the summer, I had broken up with someone and needed to fulfil some needs. Knowing this guy would be easy and my friendship with the girl he screwed had pretty much fizzled out, I IM-ed him and we began to chat. I was surprised when he started suggesting we saw some art house films and maybe went to some galleries together etc. At the time, I thought he was just trying to sugar coat the potential hook up I was fishing for so I played along with it. After all, months ago my friend had given me details so I knew already what I was buying into….

We arranged a drink in the city. He bought me a beer and we began to chat. Initially, I thought it was polite mandatory chat as he seemed to ask me lots of ‘get to know you’ questions…you know, he was working pretty hard to get in my pants which I found strange because I thought I’d made it clear I didn’t care for airy fairy dating bull shit, I just wanted sex. I was getting bored. I didn’t want to get to know him, I just wanted to fuck him that night. I cut to the chase and suggested we ditch our beers and head to his.

When we got back to his, I thought it’d be a case of up against the wall, pants down, pump etc but he began to do weird shit like show me his oven and where he writes his articles (he was/is a music writer), the magazines he’s written for… I was confused. Was he being innocent? Dumb? Trying to make out this was something it wasn’t? All the signals I was giving him were “I’m not interested in you as a person, I just want your body tonight” but he was coming back at me with excerpts of his life. It got overwhelming when he started showing me photos… At that stage I said to him plain and simple

“Hey, you don’t have to do all this, shall we just go to the bedroom?”

So off we went. We did the business and we went to sleep. I have to admit, I had my mind on other things like how I was going to get to work the next day bearing in mind, I was working well out of town. At around 5am I woke up, looked over at him sleeping and thought “God, I need to get to get the hell out of here”. I grabbed my clothes and shoes, got dressed and tip toed out the door.

Thinking back, I remember laughing all the way to the train station. I found the whole hook up hilarious.

About two weeks later, I signed into my IM chat and he instantly started a conversation with me. It went a bit like this:

“What happened to you? You left not even a good bye? What happened to going to galleries and seeing films together?”

I was BEYOND shocked. Was he for real? As IF I would even consider taking him seriously! So I replied…

“Erm, sorry, I didn’t say good bye because it was 5am when I left and you were asleep and if I am honest with you, I thought it was just sex.”

“But you could have woken me up? I woke up and you were gone. You made me feel like shit, like I did something wrong.”

What!???!!!! Like when he felt bad for NOT contacting my friend after he shagged her? What DOUBLE STANDARDS! At this stage I told him I had work to do and closed down the IM. It was mental. I was literally gob smacked.

This got me thinking, it’s ok for men to shag around having one nighters and then not contacting the girl after YET when a women proceeds to do the same, it’s not on? I’m not being funny, but if he chooses to be such an easy lay then what does he expect? Also, what planet was he on? As IF I would want to have a relationship with someone who is literally THAT easy and on top of that, someone who has shagged my friend? Fair enough, I would have never gone there had my friendship with her lasted BUT at the same time, that’s not cool.

Years later he still contacts me for a hook up….

According to men, women are mental. I beg to differ.

Cougarized

Dear Followers Of Mother Cougar Blog,

It’s been a month since my last post and I gotta admit…I feel guilty especially when I see all the unanswered mails.

The truth is, I’ve fallen into a relationship and its actually GOOD. Do you want to know about it? Will it make you laugh as much to read updates of my happy healthy love life with a man that is as far from creepy, weird, perverse, wanker like and well, just in general mental?

The truth is, you all read my blog because of the crazy encounters I have with the opposite sex and I gotta admit, I do attract some right freaks but right now, I’m in a place where I’ve attracted a good egg and all my stories would quite frankly bore you.

Or would they?

Are you interested in reading updates about my healthy, fully functional current relationship with a brilliant man?

That’s the question….

Love,

Mother Cougar

I recently read on a forum about a guy who snapped his banjo string and this got me remembering a certain date who had ‘issues’ with his too.

Now, for those who aren’t aware, the banjo string is the nick name for the piece of flesh which sort of connects the bell end to the foreskin. Next time you have a bloke’s nob to hand, have a little inspection and you’ll see what I mean.

So basically when I first saw this dude’s dick, I noticed immediately just how significantly large his foreskin was. Frankly, it freaked me out but what you gotta do? Everyone’s different I guess. I thought I’d let the action speak for itself but when the action got underway, it was WRONG. Basically, he had to constantly pull his foreskin back every time he attempted to insert himself inside.

It was off putting so I had to say it: “What the frigging hell are you doing down there? Does he need stilts and prompting in order to stay up and go into the pearly gates?”

The guy seemed shocked that I’d be asking but I mean, come on? This didn’t seem normal to me. He then replied: “Well, once I nearly snapped my banjo string and if it feels uncomfortable, (e.g his dick) then I just prefer to slot him in myself…by hand….is that ok?”

“Erm, I guess it’s ok but you know that’s not normal right? What’s your problem?” Other than the fact he had ample foreskin to mould into a pizza dough!

“Well, I’m scared it’d snap and I get this weird sickly feeling in my belly.”

His nob may as well have had an ‘L’ plate attached to it. Every time we got down to it, there was pausing and down when his hand in order to pull back his foreskin, reassure his banjo that he won’t get snapped and manoeuvre his mini man around etc etc.

This meant certain sexual positions were totally out of the question….like going on top, or to the side, or standing up….the list goes on….pretty much every position except missionary or from behind.

Men out there with banjo issues shouldn’t be selfish. Get down to the Dr’s….get a circumcision…you obviously have foreskin issues….girls out there who land themselves with a Banjo String Paranoid Dude should also rethink their sexual needs because, well, you pretty much won’t be up to much.

Cougarized

So I’ve been told by a member of the male species that there are three levels of cock hardness….

There’s the floppy unsightly droopy hardness which really shouldn’t be called a hardness as it resembles more a melted cheese. I’d say the smell is similar too especially after a day of sweating around the bollocks. What good is the floppy cock anyway? Shouldn’t it be made illegal? Cocks are ugly fuckers at the best of times, the last thing any women needs to catch a glimpse of is a pair of grotty hairy balls and a floppy cock drooping in the middle….you know, with the foreskin all wrinkly and sagging over the bell like some deflated Santa’s elf hat….Christ. Bile just reached my throat at the thought.

Then there’s the semi hardness…once again, someone please explain the point of this? It’s neither here nor there…bit like the French during just about every war they’ve dabbled in. What ya gonna do with a semi? You can’t ride it? It looks wrong and yet again, Santa’s elf hat ain’t really a good look huh? I guess the semi is most common first thing in the morning. The famous male subconscious forcing a semi on whilst sleep is underway in order for ‘him’ not to piss himself in the night. Imagine that? Your man has a disfunctional bell end? You’ll be swimming in piss from one day to the next. Of course it’s too hard just to, like us girls, wake up in the night and take a slash right? The word lazy comes to mind but then again, that adjective marries well with men of our day and age.

And now for the only acceptable status of male cock : the HARD ON. This is something you can actually work with unless of course, you’re dealing with a chicken nugget or just someone that was born with a bell end attached to a pair of shrivelled balls. I’ve been there girls. It scarred me for life. Sadly the hard on doesn’t often last long unless of course you’ve got him dosed up on viagra which isn’t such a bad thing really. My ex boyfriend could have done with a life time supply of viagra if I’m honest….his cock was far too prone to cruising in floppy cock mode. I gotta admit, at times when I see the cock in hard on mode, I’m compelled to beat it with a wooden baking spoon. Why you may ask? ‘Cos I want to see just how hard it is and how resistant.

Finally for the strange bit…. I was not so long ago sleeping with a guy who used to hold the base of his cock when inserting it into, well, you know where. At first I thought nothing of it but when he constantly did that, I had to ask him what the fuck he was up to. He replied:

“Well, you know, sometimes its at different levels of hardness”

“What are you saying? Your cock is too floppy it needs holding up?”

“Well, no but yeh but no but well, everyone’s different aren’t that?”

“Everyone IS different but a cock is a cock and its either hard or it ain’t…don’t be trying to prop it up whilst in the middle of the action!”

The bastard was trying to jab me with his floppy cock!!!!!!

Terror I tell you…..TERROR!

Cougarized.

I’ll tell you right now why us dappy mere women are more attracted to bastards than good guys…. It’s because if a guy is nice, he’s needy and if he’s needy its not nice…its off putting…sex drive killing even. No one really lusts over a needy NICE guy, right? Nice guys are either gay or ugly or plain and simply boring WHEN comparing them to the bastard stereotype of a male.

I mean, lets face it, the bastard has allure…intrigue….makes us want to ‘talk about it’….’analyze it’…you know ‘eat ice cream and cry over it’ whilst wearing and over sized ‘I’ve just been dumped’ jumper sobbing to our bezzie mate racking up mental high phone bills.

So where’s the middle ground? I mean, you can’t have a nice guy who is a bastard? It’s a paradox. But then bastards aren’t nice…or are they?

Everyone is capable of being nice even bastard males its just how to work around the initial bastard trait and manipulate the bastard into thinking he’s winning/getting his way when actually he isn’t.

There comes a point when even a bastard gets hooked on a girl - be sure about that and then you get the nice guy but with the allure of the bastard.

Cougarized.

To all who follow me and my blog….I owe you a huge apology. I have totally neglected posting on here and I deserve a slap on the wrist if not my arse - which, I can tell you, I quite like in the right situation….

As you may have read, I began to post about my little neighbour from downstairs….the reason I have been absent from the blog is because I have been hugely present in the bedroom.

Who would have thought biscuits and tea at mid night with your neighbour would turn into full blown karma sutra-esque sex. I gotta admit, this guy has his faults…most noticeable his stinge like nature - that is, the guy has moth balls growing in his pocket which he seriously needs to turn into gold balls. BUT he is extremely giving in the bedroom and I’ll tell you something else, very grateful and THAT’S always good because REMEMBER they (men) are lucky to HAVE US.

To give you a breif run down….it started with biscuits and tea - yes highly juvenile approach to getting a man’s cock out but some can be quite intimidated by me (can’t think why?)…followed by a series of verbal abuse which he frankly, lapped right up. Couldn’t get enough even. His little brother with whom he flat shares even asked him how he puts up with me? Jog on son!! He know’s what side his bread is buttered!!!

Plus, you’ve gotta keep a man on his toes otherwise he’ll start to take the piss….so the biscuits and tea quickly turned to foreplay and penetration.Job done. Good work too…. It really is brilliant when you have sex on tap and only downstairs? Makes for a great set-up… i.e. I go out with my pals, doesn’t matter what time I get home, just give a knock downstairs or even bang the floorboards with my heels and up pops the gimp. Brilliant work!!!

He is a lovely chap, shouldn’t be TOO harsh although there is always room for improvement.

Remember that.

Anyway my little cougarettes and cougarized male followers…be sure, I will be posting far more frequently from now on.

Big Love.

Mama Coug.

X

P.S Questions on this guy are welcome. x

It was brought to my attention that this great new sexy technique most commonly known as ‘The Monkey Face’ is all the rage.

If you’ve tried it, please DO let me know your thoughts because frankly it has to be the biggest load of man mental created bollocks I have ever heard.

Firstly this bull shit move involves your man shaving off his bollock pubes. Now girls, seriously, who likes bald balls? Mans genitalia was meant to be hidden…who the hell really enjoys looking at it for longer than it takes a dude to slip on a johny. Know what I’m saying?

So here’s the party trick, he keeps his shaved pube hair – possibly on the bedroom cabinet or in a dirty little bush on the floor by your pillow or whatever. He then pulls the moves on you and just at the crucial point of cumming spunks off in your face. Yep, shoots right off up there.

Wow what a porn movie huh? Oh no but it doesn’t end there… he then makes a quick dash for his shaved pube bush which I’d imagine by this point is steaming with stench smells just lying there and chucks it in your face on top of the cum.

It’s a bit like a sexual egg and flouring but seriously, is this hot?

“Hey honey, hang tough for a sec whilst I shoot off in your face and then grab my pubes to chuck at you”

I’ll tell you what this is: its leaving a man alone to think too long. Its a fucking dangerous state of affairs!!

Check this nonsense out: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=monkey%20face

Cougarized.