Firstly, I must apologise…I have been very quiet of late and this is due to The Downstairs Neighbour.

Here we go…. So in November of last year two guys moved into the flat beneath mine. I had grand notions of baking cookies and knocking at their door to make ‘friends’ well, you know, see if they are worth knowing etc but I just never got round to it.

Now the sunny weather has appeared, the communcal garden is in full use and after several swift red martinis, some gins, ameretto…well, an afternoon session of drinking a guy appears from the downstairs flat.

To be quiet honest, I was a little too drunk to really understand much of what was going on but he seemed nice so we hung out. His younger brother ended up copping off with my friend and that’s when he pulled the ‘moves’ on me.

His stats are: 6ft2, age 32, profession: illustrator, music taste: acceptable, dress sense: incredible, sense of humour: utterly blinding, looks: no sexual attraction from my side at all.

Oh for fucks sake. This guy is literally perfect…why don’t I want to rip his clothes off and fuck him senseless? He only lives downstairs! It could be the best set up….like the sexual maisonette. God damn this shit.

It started with a simple “Do you want to go for a drink” which led to “Do you want to sleep over” Erm… “Sleep over? Sleep over where? Downstairs in your bed?” “Well, yeh, its either that or you’ll be kept awake by my brother and your mate’s mating calls all night” “Good point, let me brush my teeth, get my nighty and I’ll be right there”

That’s pretty much how it happened. Except because we aren’t kids and I didn’t want this guy to get the wrong idea, I made it clear that this little ‘sleep over’ would go no further than ‘spooning’. He was happy with that.

We slept, we woke, he made me tea, we spoke for three hours in bed and he said: “So what you doing today?” To which I replied….”Actually I have a date with someone at 4pm. How about you?” “Oh God…I have a date with someone too”

He then got up and said: “We should do this again sometime?” so I said: “Yeh ok” Then he went off to the toilet and said: “I’m going for a dump now”.

I let myself out of the flat, walked up one set of stairs to my flat and began cleaning the glasses from the night before”

THIS IS TO BE CONTINUED……………………………………………………….

One word: RUN!

Why do people stay in relationships when the sex is unbearably crap? I just don’t get it. I dated a guy for all of three months. On paper he was perfect. Good job, hot, attentive…he would turn up at the train station with roses which he trawled the city to buy on a Sunday when most shops/florists were closed! But in bed he was total utter shite. Honestly, after the second month when the bed room antics weren’t looking up, it got to a stage where I would have rather poked needles in my eye. Actually, if I am honest, I was thinking of doing online grocery shops while he was penetrating me like some rusty motor. That’s no way to be!

You’ve got to look at these things realistically. It’s not good getting all sentimental and umming and butting because on paper and towards you he is perfect in every other area. Looking good on paper is not going to give you head! Girls, that’s just lame.

What do women want? We want a hot fuck as much as men do!!! Yeh, we also want a man who is tame enough to keep his cock in his pants and not gift us with an STD but at the same time, Lord, he needs to give it to us and give it to us good.

Let me tell you how it is…. If you are dating a dude who is under 20 and the sex is so-so, give him a chance. Go easy on him. He hasn’t had the years of porn lessons that most men over 20 have under their belts but any dude over 20 who literally can’t keep it up longer than five minutes and is ‘comfortable’ with a little hair pulling and missionary, bin that fucker before you get attached because the reality is, you can’t teach an old dog tricks. Dogs learn tricks at the stage of PUPPY and not after.

If the sex is shite then you know that he wasn’t trained right and he ain’t never gonna get better. NEVER.

Girls, crap sex….get the hell out of there….don’t even look back!! And certainly don’t shag that fucker out of pity for his crap techniques.

No one gets rewarded for coming LAST!

Cougarized

Years ago I met a guy in a bar. We exchanged social platform contact details and IM adds. He was hot but clearly just looking to push some pussy that night and nothing more. At the time we exchanged contact details, I made it clear, the last thing he’d be pushing was me. That night he ended up fucking a friend of mine. She never saw or heard from him after. I never told her he had tried it on with me.

We never stayed in touch. In fact, I thought he was a massive dick head. Cracking onto me then ending up screwing my friend? But then around 6 months later, during the summer, I had broken up with someone and needed to fulfil some needs. Knowing this guy would be easy and my friendship with the girl he screwed had pretty much fizzled out, I IM-ed him and we began to chat. I was surprised when he started suggesting we saw some art house films and maybe went to some galleries together etc. At the time, I thought he was just trying to sugar coat the potential hook up I was fishing for so I played along with it. After all, months ago my friend had given me details so I knew already what I was buying into….

We arranged a drink in the city. He bought me a beer and we began to chat. Initially, I thought it was polite mandatory chat as he seemed to ask me lots of ‘get to know you’ questions…you know, he was working pretty hard to get in my pants which I found strange because I thought I’d made it clear I didn’t care for airy fairy dating bull shit, I just wanted sex. I was getting bored. I didn’t want to get to know him, in fact, I wasn’ interested in HIM as a person at all. I cut to the chase and suggested we ditch our beers and head to his.

When we got back to his, I thought it’d be a case of up against the wall, pants down, pump etc but he began to do weird shit like show me his oven and where he writes his articles (he was/is a music journalist), the magazines he’s written for… I was confused. Was he being innocent? Dumb? Trying to make out this was something it wasn’t? All the signals I was giving him were “I’m not interested in you as a person, I just want your body tonight” but he was coming back at me with excerpts of his life. It got overwhelming when he started showing me photos… At that stage I said to him plain and simple

“Hey, you don’t have to do all this, shall we just go to the bedroom?”

So off we went. We did the business and we went to sleep. I have to admit, I had my mind on other things like how I was going to get to work the next day bearing in mind, I was working well out of town. At around 5am I woke up, looked over at him sleeping and thought “God, I need to get the hell out of here”. I grabbed my clothes and shoes, got dressed and tip toed out the door.

Thinking back, I remember laughing all the way to the train station. It was the first time I’d done something remotely like that. I found the whole hook up hilarious. I didn’t contact him after and he didn’t contact me. I was more than happy with that.

About two weeks later, I signed into my IM chat and he instantly started a conversation with me. It went a bit like this:

“What happened to you? You left… not even a good bye? What happened to going to galleries and seeing films together?”

I was BEYOND shocked. Was he for real? As IF I would even consider taking him seriously! So I replied…

“Erm, sorry, I didn’t say good bye because it was 5am when I left and you were asleep and if I am honest with you, it was just sex for me.”

“But you could have woken me up? I woke up and you were gone. You made me feel like shit, like I did something wrong.”

What!???!!!! Like when he felt bad for NOT contacting my friend after he shagged her? What DOUBLE STANDARDS! At this stage I told him I had work to do and closed down the IM. It was mental. I was literally gob smacked.

This got me thinking, it’s ok for men to shag around having one nighters and then not contacting the girl after YET when a women proceeds to do the same, it’s not on? I’m not being funny, but if he chooses to be such an easy lay then what does he expect? Also, what planet was he on? As IF I would want to have a relationship with someone who is literally THAT easy and on top of that, someone who has shagged my friend? Fair enough, I would have never gone there had my friendship with her lasted BUT at the same time, that’s not cool. Jesus, the day after my friend had shagged him, we all met up for coffee and discussed his dick and performance in bed in great detail! There’s NO WAY I’d seriously date a dude whose dick I’d dicussed over a capuccino with 5 of my friends. Fool.

This guy, YEARS later, still IMs me when I’m online. In fact, the last conversation I had with him was a few weeks ago. He was trying to get me to fly over to Spain for a dirty weekend. Utter madness.

According to men, women are mental. I beg to differ.

Cougarized

It recently occurred to me when walking home one evening how the men in my sexual past have all had different relationships with their cum so I thought I would share them here.

• One guy who was, I don’t know if this is relevant or not, 16 years older than me loved his cum. So much so when he used to wank himself off, he would take great delight in doing so in the cup of his hand. He confessed to me that he enjoyed to raise his full of cum cupped hands to his nose and have a jolly good sniff.  As I was a young innocent at the time, I thought this was normal. Later on in life I learned that this is far from normal. In fact, it is pretty fucked up.
• Then there was the guy who liked to taste his cum on the day of sex because he said “Well, if I won’t swallow it, how could I possibly expect you to?” Kind of a considerate and thoughtful guy I thought but then it hit me…did he eat his cum on a regular basis and when I kissed him, was I just kissing a cummy mouth? Not nice. NOT nice.
• Then there was the guy who was actually physically sick when he saw his own cum. I could never understand that but then again, he was pretty pathetic. So basically this dude would cum on me  but then if he got some on himself, he’d rush off to the loo to wash any remnants of it off his body whilst I laid there soaking in his stinking man juice.
• Then there was the guy who enjoyed shooting his cum to the walls and then taking note of the distance it went. I have to admit, I did find that quite funny and I encouraged him. Well, c’mon, if we’re not laughing at them , we’re crying because of them!
• Then there was the guy who wanted to cum in my mouth and kiss me before I even swallowed it.  I assure you that relationship lasted all of one conversation….
• Then there was the guy who didn’t cum at all…. that relationship lasted all of five minutes.

Ah men and their cum…..but girls, when we break it down, the real cum question is:

Why does cum exit the japs eye whitish then turn all clear like water after a few minutes of it being out in the open??????

Ever noticed that?

Next time your boyfriend cums, check it out and send me your feedback.

I’m into science.

Cougarized.

Dear Cougarettes,

If you have asked Mother Cougar a question in the past couple of days, I have replied here at: Mother Cougar Answers All.

Love,

Mother Cougar

I had been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks and this particular evening we went on a date which led to me inviting him back to my apartment.

We were hanging out in my bedroom. The music was on. We were drinking. We were laughing. The scent of some serious sex action was in the air.

We began kissing and stripping our clothes off. It was totally intense and frankly, I was gagging for it. BUT one little problem, no condoms!! Serious -  horrible - disaster. At this point we are both way too horny to let this moment pass so he suggested I ask my flatmate if she had any condoms.

So I went and knocked next door.

“Oh my God I have a dude in my bedroom with a hard on bigger than a 30 pound candle but no condoms!! Help?”

She laughed and pulled out a little basket from under her bed. Inside she had an array of condoms so I took two. (I need to get myself organised like that!!)

I literally RAN back into my bedroom and threw them at him.

“No time to waste!! Let’s get cracking! Slap that puppy on yer cock!”

So he unwraps one and we’re both totally like dogs with our tongues hanging out desperate to get it on so we can continue when suddenly, we encounter a problem.

These condoms were fucking awful!!! They were as thick as an extra strong plastic shopping bag and they were bloody luminous green. OK, so my housemate is foreign so I thought they must be all the rage over in her home country but there wasn’t any raging going on with this condom.

It didn’t even STRETCH.

The poor guy is freaked by this mammoth thick condom and frantically trying to get it on, he lost his hard on. It was AWFUL. So we laughed about it because I mean, it was ridiculous and we were both just gagging to do the business! We got back into sexiness and then up came his cock and out reached my hand for the johnny.  However, once again, another thicker than you could ever imagine luminous non stretch condom!! Total failure.

That could have been the hottest sex of my life.

Instead it was two chunks of rubber on the floor, one guy with blue balls and a girl about to flick her bean in the bathroom. NIGHTMARE!

Cougarized

I probably should have known better with this one but I was attracted to his arrogance and confidence and after having dated a spineless coward for quite some time, these are qualities a girl gets drawn to.

It took three dates to discover the following facts about him

• He was Canadian.
• He highlighted his hair and went to the hairdresser once a month.
• He didn’t have any hair on his body – only on his head and eyebrows. He waxed his legs, underarms, back, sack and crack. The guy was like a polished pebble.
• He went to the gym 5 times a week for over an hour and always finished his gym session with a sauna making his skin actually smoother than mine. The guy was ripped though, I’ll give him that much.
• He filed his nails…I’ll go into that later.

I didn’t find out about the above until the night I invited him to my apartment for dinner. The dinner was with my flatmate and her boyfriend and he knew that.

He arrived at my flat with a rucksack which he deposited in my room.  I guess an invite for dinner with flatmates also means a sleep over for some?

The dinner ended quickly and we went into my bedroom. That’s when I started to discover the above listed facts. At this point it was already a little too late to turn back as we were playing cards in our underwear. To be honest, I am just grateful I had stocked up on wine because the more he spoke about himself, the more I had to drink to prepare me for the sex or rather, to get through the sex.

It started by him jumping off the bed in his overly tight boxers like a jumping jack flash and saying

“No time to be shy now baby”

Followed by him pulling down his boxers and flopping out his cock.

He started getting into it and then stopped, got up, went over to his rucksack and pulled out the biggest pump action bottle I’d ever seen. It was LUBE. He pumped it into the palms of his hands and rubbed his hands together before basting me up like some sort of Christmas turkey. Anyone would have thought I’d crapped my nappy and he was giving me a change. It was ridiculous. At this stage there really was no turning back and I was just praying it’d be over really quick so I could pretend to be asleep and wake up the next day with the mission: Evacuate the dude and his lube.

Ever seen American Pshyco? Patrick Batemen? The sex scene in the room with all the mirrors? Yep. It was pretty much that sort of experience except he didn’t have any intention on killing me. Thank God.

He tried for a round two but I faked being  asleep to a point I could have been dead.

The next morning I woke up and suggested we go for coffee….at 8am on a Sunday morning! We left my flat and I noticed he hadn’t brought his rucksack with him which obviously meant he would be returning to my flat. I was worried he would expect an all day marathon with his huge bottle of lube so I had to think of an effective polite way to get rid of him. I basically called my friend when I was in a different room of my flat and explained the situation asking him to call me back in 5 minutes pretending he was coming over or something. Anyway, my fucking phone happens to lose signal at the crucial point my friend tries to call me so all I get is a missed call alert on my phone. It was awful.  It was at this point I discovered this dude filed his nails. He initially asked me if I filed mine and I said “No, why? Do you file yours?” I probably shouldn’t have asked really because that’s when he replied with:

“Yeh, of course I do. Imagine if I didn’t? Things could get pretty messy down there”

Eurgh.

Cougarized

E: cougarized@hotmail.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter