I dated this guy for a couple of years who had serious body issues. He wouldn’t have had issues if he had eaten like a man and actually pumped some iron instead of being emo and drinking soda water and lime in a scabby pub the size of a brothel’s toilet complaining that he couldn’t fit a full meal in his teeny tummy. Looking back: WHAT was I thinking??? Answer: I simply WASN’T!

 Hey ho, don’t say Mother Cougar doesn’t do charity once in a while. Frankly, I was a fucking martyr with this one and I know I’ll get a medal when I hit the pearly gates.

Anyway, I guess the point of this post is IF your man displays signs of being shit and inexperienced in bed, then ditch him or forever be fantasising about how good it was with your ex or how good it could be IF he knew how to use his cock. (Virgins don’t count!)

Firstly this guy took THREE months to take his t-shirt off during sex. It got to a stage where I pretty much said: T-shirt OFFFFFF or no pushing cushion!! Sometimes you have to play mean girls.

Seriously….then it came….months of missionary. Frankly, I don’t know why I allowed it to go on so long because, you know, I like a little work out in bed. Who doesn’t? I guess with the more sensitive guys, one has to be a little more gentle but come on, the kids gloves HAD to come OFF.

I thought I would tackle this ‘missionary only’ situation with a little delicacy and decorum and so it went like this:

“Hmm. Shall we try something different? Anything you want? Don’t be shy, honestly, tell me what you want to do or what other position you like and we’ll try it, ok?”

He nodded his head and then asked me to lay on my front. At the time, I was thinking:

“Surely we can’t be going from one extreme to the other? E.G Missionary to anal??”

Oh no no no. No such torment. He then laid himself on top of me. Oh God. The vision just hit my mind like a burning razor blade to an already open wound. It was like some sort of bloody banana boat activity. Then he slipped it in. But not up the arse, in the clunge.

I mean, come on!!! Bloody frigging hell here. A 25 year old???? That’s what I had signed my heart up to. The world can be damn cruel.

That was it girls. That was his second little fave position. The “Lay on your tummy while I put it in your clunge from behind.”

Turned out he had only ever had one previous girlfriend and she was 1) a virgin and 2) in college.

My advice to you all is PLEASE don’t be a charity just because they come across sensitive and caring AND please, if the sex is FAR FROM good after several months then recognise that you have two options:

1)    Die a depressed sexless loser

OR

2)    Get shot of him and find some hottie who can pleasure you in the bedroom as well as upstairs!!

Cougarized.

On a date with a guy drinking my soya latte when he starts a conversation about his supposed ‘crazy’ ex girlfriend.

The story went along the lines of she had refused to let him into their shared apartment one night when he had stayed out too late and not told her. He’d tried to get in with his keys and found the door locked from the inside so was stuck outside. She had basically told him to sod off and she’d gone to bed.

He was left with no other option but to some how make his way across the city in the middle of the night/morning with limited public transport to get to his friend’s flat.

So as he put it, changing buses, he felt the need to ‘relieve’ himself and found what he described as a “secluded area”.

I said “What so you peed in the doorway of some city building?”

He looks at me a little uncomfortably and starts laughing.

I’m like…”Erm, are you trying to tell me you crapped outside?”

He laughs again and then finishes his story by saying he took a shit in the door way of a big building which when he had finished and looked up, turned out to be the Royal Courts of Justice.

Is this something a dude really should be admitting to a girl…EVER????

The date lasted 1.5 hours.

Cougarized

E: cougarized@hotmail.co.uk

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